Sooooo apparently Charlie Sheen has HIV. I mean, apparently. Because a ton of “news” outlets are saying that Sheen plans to make an announcement about “something” on The Today Show, and “sources” state that the “something” is HIV. Granted, Charlie Sheen having HIV is about the easiest thing to believe in the entire world, so if it is indeed the case, his announcement is going to rival Lance Bass coming out of the closet in terms of “Yeah, dude, we fucking know.”
Deep down, I’m hoping that this is just another piece of his coke-meltdown and rather than announcing he has HIV, he just sits down on the couch and endorses Sprite as his favorite post-coital beverage, and when pressed about the HIV rumors, just brushes them off and begins yelling about tiger blood or something. Or maybe he announces that Hot Shots: Part 4 is a thing (they skip part 3 because JOKES). By the time you read this article, we’ll likely know the truth, as well as have a decent idea of the long list of porn stars and celebrities who will now have to be tested as well (very likely the entire cast and crew of Scary Movie 4).
Hey, remember The Arrival? It was a really solid little alien invasion flick that starred Charlie Sheen. Seriously, it’s pretty good and you should check it out. Sure, it’s probably a bitÂ dated by today’s standards, but I remember it being a surprise gem which had the unfortunate circumstance of being the Deep Impact to Independence Day‘s Armageddon. Did I type that analogy right? Do you care? No, you don’t care. But for real, The Arrival. Check that shit out. Charlie Sheen plays a scientist who uncovers an invasion and stuff, but it’s not all stupid like Contact. And the entire time you watch it, you’ll be thinking about how he will eventually contract HIV. Really, you should ignore that thought because it’ll ruin the movie, but ya know, sometimes a seed gets planted and your brain just runs with it.
Man, am I really about to tune into The Today Show for the first time ever? Nope. Absolutely not.