Fish Can Walk and Now I’ll Never Sleep Again

The Climbing Perch, a non-native fish now being spotted in Australia, could pose a huge problem for local wildlife as well as for me when it haunts my nightmares for the foreseeable future. Why? Because this sin against God can walk and breathe on land. Fuck that. Oh my god oh my god ohmygod fuck that so hard. You’ll notice I’m avoiding posting a photo of the damned hell-beast because OHMYGODFUCKTHAT.

 

Please enjoy this puppy instead.

 

Using protrusions on its spine in conjunction with its weirdly jointed gills, the fish is able to walk from one water source to another, and even if it takes a while, that’s ok, because this walking fish also has lungs, and now I need a shower. Oh my god I hate it so bad.

Oh, don’t mind me. Just burning everything I can.

 

Fish walking on land is a breach of nature’s contract, much in the same way that James Cameron (director of TimeBotz and Boat Crash) taking a submarine into the Mariana Trench is also a breach of nature’s contract. Fuck you, James Cameron. This shit is your fault. Avatar 2 better have a fucking script, you shitlord.

Out of the water, James. Go play with your computers.

The author hasn’t been to a beach in almost a decade, and that’s fine because he hates fish and is gaining weight at a ridiculously alarming rate. Follow him on Twitter!