3 Animals (Treated as Human by the State)

I recently discussed a few species of animals that have learned some eerily human traits, and now I’d like to examine the other side of the coin: animals that, despite normal animal behavior, have been treated as humans by various institutions. Sure, we all have that one aunt that refers to her cats or dogs as children (or worse, “fur kids”), but it gets even more inane than that…


#3. Hank the Cat Places Third in Senate Race


I don’t think that anybody actually likes voting. Sure it may make you feel good to make a difference, but actual process is boring as shit. With that in mind, I can’t really blame Virginia residents for deciding that making an important decision that would impact their futures was much less fun than writing in “Hank the Cat” on their ballots. How many residents wrote him in, you ask? Enough for the cat to place 3rd in the 2012 election. Hank would have made an awful politician anyway: cats don’t even have opposable thumbs–how is he supposed to send dick pics to his secretary?


#2. Worms Got a Permit to Eat Trash


Have you ever seen somebody yell at a worm for eating garbage? Like, full on red-faced bellowing at a creature that hardly even has a central nervous system? Of course you haven’t, because that would be insane. Insane because, at least in Charlotte, NC, have been given a permit to eat trash. This was the result of a recycling center within the city costing too much money. Searching for a solution for all of the excess trash, one brave man apparently said “can’t we just throw it on the ground?” to which an even smarter man said “only if we get a permit!”


 #1. India Declares Dolphins are People


India’s Ministry of Environment and Forests has implemented a country-wide ban on keeping dolphins captive for public entertainment purposes. Something to do with animal cruelty? Hell no–animals can suck it–dolphins are people!

According to the ministry:

“various scientists who have researched dolphin behavior have suggested that the unusually high intelligence; as compared to other animals means that dolphins should be seen as ‘non-human persons’ and as such should have their own specific rights and is morally unacceptable to keep them captive for entertainment purpose”

Matt Pass is a standup comic who can be found on Twitter @mattpasscomedy.