8 Sexual Acts All Men Should Conquer

For men, certain sexual encounters are looked at a lot like Xbox achievements.  The more achievements you get, multiplied with the difficulty of the task, will give you an assessment of how awesome you did.

Let’s take a look at 8 sexy time achievements that some of you will undoubtedly unlock at least once.

A Fat Girl

There are those of us who have slept with fatties, and those of us who claim we haven’t.  If you fall into the latter, there is still no denying that she rocked your world beyond belief.  Experts have suggested that a large woman gives better oral because she is always hungry, this is false.  Some say it’s due to higher amounts of estrogen that the extra blubber produces.  This is also false.  The simple fact is this: If a large girl brings home a guy out of her league, she’s going to want to keep him.  Her mentality is that if she completely blows her mates mind, there is a good chance he will stick around.  Unfortunately it only lands her a spot on his speed dial labeled “Fat girl gr8 head.”

Try Anal

Exit only or hole of euphoria?  While a pro-anal couple will woo you with words and adjectives like “extremely tight” and “incredibly intense” we need to remember what is happening.  You are placing your penis in an area that is populated with shit.  You will probably get some of said population on your ball sack too.  That being said, the whole “tightness” thing is accurate, so go ahead and take a trip down the dirt road.  If the occasional tootsie roll on the tip of your shaft doesn’t bother you, then hey, ask for seconds.

Penis On A Hot Tub Jet

Placing your penile unit on a hot tub jet is like a blowjob on steroids.  I was too young to understand what a blowjob was when I first tried this, but if I had been given a choice at the time, I might have went with the hot tub over the real thing (yes it was that insane).   Optional Audible: Actually have sex in the hot tub.

Ladies, I think you can do this one as well.  Just hold on to the side and do a spread eagle on one of the jets.  Feel free to email or post results.

Let Her Slip a Finger in Your Pooper During Oral

We’ll leave you with a few protips before you start off on this journey:

  1. Make sure you’ve taken a shower
  2. Prepare to have your mind and load blown all over your own face.
  3. You should also do some self “experimentation” before you make this plunge.

Not every man enjoys the “male shocker” just like some ladies don’t enjoy the regular version.  Go in with an open mind and a relaxed rectum.

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2 on the sack 1 in crack

Parent’s Bedroom

“Grounding me for a month mom?  That’s cool, I just jizzed all over your Tempurpedic while my GF licked the back of my balls.”  We’re not sure of the exact reasons behind the romp in the parents room, but we’d like to think it would be pretty fucked up to do it out of spite.  We think what it boils down to is bed size.  The average junior in HS sleeps on a futon, and his parents have California King.  No reason to let all that mattress go to waste (if you can get past the mental visuals).

Jerk Off In the Wilderness

A wise man once said “If you haven’t jerked off in the woods, you really haven’t lived.”  This is the same manly feeling you get when you chop your first piece of firewood, only you’ve got a boner and you’re aiming that yogurt slinger at a dead tree stump.

One Night Stand

Do you ever wonder why the average sorority girl does a walk of shame feeling terrible, while her partner maintains an ear to ear grin the next day?  It has to do with commitment.  Knowing that you just tapped some trim with absolutely zero strings at all, can be one of the most gratifying experiences ever.


Conquering the MILF is a monstrous win on multiple levels.  It’s sort of like on the Discovery channel when a more dominant lion rolls in, fucks up the other male lion, boinks the hoe, then kills the cubs.  Well minus the fighting and killing part.  So not like the Discovery channel at all except for the part where you get some tail and have no obligations to raise her kids.

Conclusion: Do all of these, don’t rape anybody please.