9 Sex Toys That Will Retract Your Boner


When it comes to sexual gratification, humans walk a very fine line between “pleasure” and “WTF.”  We’ve cropped out some of our favorite items that did a better job turning us off than anything else.


Shrink Cream


(image via: loverspackage.com)

I’ve never met a man who said “damn I wish my penis would shrink.”  Nevertheless, those men will appreciate this cold shower in a tube.  Only $14.95 for a 1/2 ounce of shrink cream – a real bargain.

Cock Locker

(images via: sub-shop)

Hope you’re into being dominated if she comes at you with a cock locker, ball gag, gates of hell or a “Ream and Scream” butt plug. Otherwise, this could be pretty uncomfortable – which is pretty much the point of these toys.  Not too fun for the average vanilla guy.

Japanese Blowjob Machine

(image via: gizmodo)

Who needs a real BJ when you can cram your junk into a mechanical penis blender?  I’ll take a chafed johnson and a side order of humiliation.  No thanks.


(image via: gizmodo)

Not so much scary as it is just odd. If your girl can’t be open about what she wants and needs to sculpt it to get the message across to you, you’ve both got issues.

Foot Fucker

(images via: gizmodo and tinynibbles)

Because everyone should enjoy a good foot fuck right?  Additionally, this black foot has enough girth to make Lexington Steel look like a choir boy.

The Ultimate Douche

(image via: flickr)

We were kind of okay with this product until the part about it being perfect for men or women.  Who are we to judge anyone’s sexual fantasies though?  We just feel that stuffing a piece of plastic in your cornhole while your partner watches you shit all over yourself, is far from “exotic” as the label reads.

Portable Concubine

(image via: tinynibbles)

Blow up dolls were so last year.  Why limit yourself to just a set of tits and a snapper when you can wrap your hands around a giant plastic penis as well?

Dragon Pussy

(image via: bad-dragon)

Oh wow, how did we miss out on the beta phase of the Anthro Dragoness? It even came with a free bottle of Bad Dragon cum-lube. Damn, it’s not currently available.

Sperm Stopper

(image via: pixelvomit)

When pulling out, birth control, and condoms just aren’t enough.  Clamping your tip shut while your yogurt slinger is trying to fire a load, might be painful, but it also shows her you care.  And that’s the most important thing in any relationship right?

Desc: This Sperm Stopper gives the cock a hard firm head, just like during an orgasm. Cock bondage can be greatly enhanced with our Sperm Stopper Head Ring. This patented beauty has a small hinged hook (with an 5/16? steel ball at the tip) attached to the 1 1/4? diameter glans ring. It is worn tightly around the head of the penis, and the sphere is inserted into the urethra. Suitable for both natural and circumcised.

Now that your penis has crawled up into your abdomen, it would be a good time to cup the entire area with your right hand and calmly whisper that you’ll never buy any of the above.

  • 11224109539634534