matt pass

Nov 24, 2016

Thanksgiving Sucks

[NOTE: This post, “Thanksgiving Sucks” was written in 2014 by Matt Pass, a former Regretful Morning scribe. Matt, if you’re...

Aug 10, 2015

4 Parents Who Redefine “Overprotective”

I don’t like overprotective parents. You probably don’t either–and there’s nothing wrong with that. “Overprotective” implies that they’re doing something...

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Jul 17, 2015

“Pay with Blood” Music Festival

Here’s a fact so ironic you’ll think it’s actually just an Alanis Morrisette lyric: Romania (y’know, the country that Transylvania...

Jun 16, 2015

TRUMP/OPRAH 2016

First things first. Trump announced earlier today that he will be running for president in 2016. You knew that already,...

Jun 8, 2015

3 Unlikely Inventors

3 Unlikely Inventors Inventors rarely get the credit they deserve. Do you know who invented the couch? Me neither. What...

May 7, 2015

Best of #100tupacs

Best of #100tupacs: a photoshop of Tupac every day for 100 days. In mid-March I decided that I wanted to...

Apr 27, 2015

Why Koalas Suck

Dolphins are the only other species to have sex for pleasure, and if I had to guess, I’d say that...

Jaden Wears Dresses Now

Jaden Smith, everybody’s favorite son-of-a-famous-person, is in the news again because of course he is. Mirrors aren’t real, so how...

Apr 11, 2015

Scarecrow Sex Kills Man

Neighbors of a shepherd in Argentina were shocked to discover what appeared to be two dead bodies on the property....

Apr 5, 2015

4 Famous Moments Not in the Original

A famous piece of pop culture can be adapted in endless ways: A film could be remade in another country,...

Apr 2, 2015

Mar 13, 2015

Celebs Born on Friday the 13th

Ah, Friday the 13th. My favorite holiday based on bad luck. It isn’t tied to  certain month or anything,...

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Mar 5, 2015

D.C. Police Return Confiscated Pot

You may have heard that Washington D.C. has legalized recreational marijuana use. I read the Legalization of Possession of Minimal...

Feb 13, 2015

Why Friday the 13th is the Best Holiday

I am an advocate for all things spooky, even though #LetsGetSpooky caught on about as well as “fetch” and of...

Feb 9, 2015

4 Basic Human Things (I Can’t Do)

I’ve been a human for 25 years and, man, I still don’t have the hang of it. I mean I’m...

Jan 26, 2015

4 Best Winter Things

Winter sucks. Your car windows are always frozen shut, your dong shrinks (even though it’s normally, like, totally huge) and...

Jan 10, 2015

Hot Dating Tips 2015!

It’s 2015. Hasn’t anybody told you that yet? The 2000s are fifteen years old, which means they’re beginning to go...

Dec 31, 2014

My 4 New Year’s Resolutions

2014 was a very busy year for me. I started the year by hosting a string of successful stand up...

Dec 25, 2014

5 Reasons Gift Cards Suck

At a certain age I decided that I’d prefer cash to birthday gifts–the ability to get what I actually wanted,...

Dec 17, 2014

Word(s) of the Year: 2014

2014 is coming to an end, and it is an important time for top word authorities, by which I  ...

Dec 12, 2014

3 Insane Court Decisions

Court is a hassle that I don’t wish for anybody to deal with (like I did). There are rescheduled hearings,...

Dec 5, 2014

You Have a Dirty Mind (So Do These Ordinary Items) [15 pics]

It’s a magical feeling when you see something that looks like something else: a cloud that looks like an elephant,...

Dec 1, 2014

Naughty or Nice?

Ho ho holy shit: Santa Claus is finally Twitter savvy–and I can’t even count the number of times I’ve laid...

Nov 27, 2014

Don’t Get Trampled Today: 4 Black Friday Tips

Sure, Thanksgiving sucked, but not as much as Black Friday will. I don’t go shopping on Black Friday, or ever,...

Nov 26, 2014

Man Points Banana at Police; Is Not Shot To Death

Surely you’ve already been bombarded with news about the Feguson decision (in which a police officer who shoot an unarmed...