We’ll take that food to go, thx

Name: Josh
Age: (at the time):

The story begins as most do, a house party with some buddies, females, cheap liquor and cases of beer.
all-in-all it was a good night, got pretty smashed, shot-the-shit with everyone around, macked on some women; the usual.

The party starts to die down and eventually there are just four of us left with nothing much else to do and the insatiable beer munchies that haunt most of us in our drinking nights.

Some background info: we’re at a house that is between two cities with a distance of around 10 miles in either direction, both containing a 24/7 diner, as we had already been kicked out of one for our drunken shenanigans we decided to head off into the other direction.

Miraculously we make it there (do not condone drunk driving at all, hah). We get inside and are seated by a woman who isn’t particularly anything special but we brutally mack on her anyways in our drunken stupor. we order our food and the familiar urge to piss interrupts my 2 a.m. dinner.

I head to the restroom and do my thing and walk out to see something that completely blows my mind: my three buddies are speeding, or more like drunken jogging, out the door with full plates of food. Being that it was 2 a.m. there wasn’t much traffic through this particular diner so I was v.i.p. parking directly outside the front door.

I see this all happening so I run after them, since I was the driver, and was also not paying for their stupidity. We try to get into my car and speed off as quickly as we can. Unfortunately my idea of quickly isn’t the same drunk as when I’m sober. As we’re laughing our asses off, not completely sure what even just happened, I forget to turn the car on.

We’re sitting in front of a diner with a few waitresses, swing managers and probably less than 8 customers, it was fully obvious what we just did. One man comes out, writes my license plate number down and smiles at us and heads back in. We begin to freak out completely, thinking that the cops are going to go on a man hunt for our dine-n-ditch and we eventually head back to pay.

A few customers come out and talk with us, trying to figure out what it was that they just saw and we tell them what happened, etc. and pay.

A few finished diners walked out and started yelling at my buddy who jumps out of my car and punches their car and dents it as they drive off. We cool off, get it together and head back to the house, buddies still eating their food in the back seat (they didn’t grab mine for me) and finally make it home safely. just a regular Tuesday night.

The next morning is like many other mornings: what the fuck happened last night, i don’t remember shit? eventually hit my car and find forks and plates in my back seat. thank you [unnamed] diner:)

Dear Josh, Your story needed more explosions and sex but I’ll give you props for actually paying for the food.  The only time I ever dined and ditched, was the night my truck got towed.  Karma is a bitch.

Skeeter feels shame after drinking game

Name: Skeeter
Age (at the time): 16

As the end of the week was nearing, my buddies and I decided to head to a baseball game on the Friday night and pre-drink what we at the time thought was a bit of alcohol.

All of us being beer guys where unaware of two crucial things. Number one, how much liquor is too much? And how much could we handle? Between the 6 of us we bought 3 26’s (750ml bottles of vodka) and a bottle of lemonade each.

After setting up our bottles they were almost all vodka and no juice. We decided then to down these babies on the subway ride over. Every time the doors would chime that they were shutting we would chug. Seven stops later and my bottle is empty. This was roughly a 20 minute trip so far.

At first i was extremely proud of not only my speed, but the fact that i did not feel the least bit sick or even drunk for that matter. Fastforward 5 minutes and my world was upside down. About 15 minutes later we arrive at Mcdonald’s and this is where my memory is blurry. (all of this from here on out is what i have been told) Having not yet bought tickets, I proceeded to approach every scalper in site, attempt to talk them down lower, and then proceed to tell them to fuck off when i was unsuccessful.

Some lucky scalper also received a fresh chunk of big mac to the hand while I negotiated. Thia happened about 5 more times until we finally got to the Rogers Centre. Upon getting there, i immediately felt like shit and sat down demanding my bud.

Upon getting into the Rogers Centre we could hear that the game had started so we proceeded to sprint up the ramp as fast as we could. This worked out pretty well for me until i felt like a train hit me in the stomach. I leaned over the railing and threw up onto the lower parts of the ramp. Some older chick that worked there came up to check on me to which Alex covered for me saying i had eaten bad McDonald’s and must have had food poisoning.

I then remember being in my seat and watching whoever was even pitching that night throw two pitches. The next thing i remember is getting tapped and being told we had to leave. Apparently my other friend “Ted” who was their swallowed his chewing tobacco and was throwing up between his legs in the seat. I was passed out on the railing. Another friend was throwing up in the washroom.

The cops took down my information and “Ted’s” who they had being inspected by the paramedics. They then told us to leave immediately and that they would phone home to check on us, but would not inform our parents if we left like they said we would.

Upon leaving some nasty drunk bitches start screaming and bragging about how they got kicked out and begin talking to us. Even in my horribly drunken state, i could tell these girls were disgusting and chose to sit down while my buddies got their game on. One of them offered to show me her tits if i got up and started walking so i jumped to my feet hoping to see some tit but i was sadly disappointed.

Allegedly, I was carried home by my friend “Terry” all the way from the station to the bus they put me on which (took me home an hour later). Since that day, I have not been able to smell hard liquor and am constantly reminded about the night we got tossed out for being a total shit show in our seats after watching two pitches of the game.

Dear Skeeter, when people go out to sporting events, in the back of their mind they’re kind of thinking “Man I hope we don’t run in to _________.  You and your friends fill in that blank perfectly.  I’m not saying what you did was wrong, but the chugging Vodka game may have been overkill.  Try it again at about half speed and let us know how it turns out.

The Air Down There

Name: .45
Age (at the time): Last week

Just recently, my girlfriend expressed an interest in bringing other girls into the bedroom. Though I may have been a little hesitant for a second, I think what really sold me on the idea was her telling me that part of her fantasy was to watch me give another girl some anal and a facial while she ate her pussy. What could I say, really? I just want my girlfriend to be happy; and I also read on Predator Press that most girls are willing to pay through the nose for a proper facial. As far as I could tell; everybody wins.

Never one to waste time pursuing things that don’t suck balls (or do, in some instances), I immediately set out to find the perfect girl to practice my facial skills on for my girlfriend’s enjoyment. I’d initially considered going out and picking up any drunk chick in a bar, but this usually requires some finesse and a lot of alcohol; and I hate finesse. There was also the concern that we’re planning to move to Austin next week, and I neither had the time nor the stomach to waste on the small-talk about chick bullshit that would be necessary to get some random hottie back to the garage I’m squatting in. This left only one option; the internet.

For those that don’t know, the internet is a magical place; where you can order anything from a machine that makes you breakfast sandwiches with egg and sausage to a hot blonde with nice tits that likes to be violated in all the ways that a hot blonde with nice tits could possibly like to be violated. I already owned the breakfast sandwich maker, and it makes fucking awesome breakfast sandwiches. It was now time to order the blonde with nice tits.

I found some places to stick some ads and I asked my girl to write them. As I mentioned before, I hate finesse; which also means that I don’t beat around the bush (so to speak). I’m not going to tell a chick I like Coldplay when I really just like pussy. She, on the other hand, actually does like Coldplay (and pussy); and can sincerely lure the pussy with some Coldplay small-talk.

And that she did.

It took maybe a day before we had a bite; and by all indications, it was a perfect bite. Hot blonde with nice tits and an otherwise smoking body that was ready to get down and dirty, very down and very dirty. Did I mention how much I love the internet? Sure, you’re thinking, that’s bullshit. So was I. That’s why I packed my switchblade with the peach lube. Depending on how the situation went, one of them was getting busted out. As it turned out though, I didn’t need the switchblade. The girl showed up as advertised, though perhaps a bit meth-skinnier. If it still seems too good to be true, however; it was. Read on (unless you’re with the mattress police, that have been after me for some time now.)

So, it’s going great at first. This chick is super flexible and she’s got her legs behind her head, presenting her pussy like she’s a wild animal in heat. My girl’s going down on her and I’m hearing all this weird noise. I’m thinking, Wow, she’s really going to town with the pussy sucking. It sounds like slurping noises. Unusually loud, but okay; she said it’s been a while and must really be getting into it. Whatever. I’m still wrapped up in the girl-on-girl.

The longer it goes on though, I’m starting to realize that the hot blonde is just queefing non-fucking-stop. Then I can’t focus on anything but the fact that she’s queefing so much. I’ve never witnessed anything like it, and didn’t know it was possible. Sure a queef will blow its way out once in a while, and you’ll just ignore it and press on. This was impossible to ignore. She was like a fucking tuba player rehearsing Beethoven’s 9th. I was starting to tap my feet to the repulsive rhythm, which ended in a crescendo of the queef of all queefs. It lasted an uncomfortably long time and kind of made me never want to have a pussy in my face again. If I had happened to have a medal on me, I would’ve awarded it to my girlfriend for bravery in the face of queef combat; but I didn’t have a medal, and it was my turn at bat.

I really can’t think of any other time I’ve so desperately wanted to get out of eating pussy. I generally love eating pussy except when, as Jason says, it smells like an open grave. In this case, the smell didn’t hit me right away. It was more of a cumulative thing that built up over a series of queefs. And umm no, she wasn’t done. Granted, I had it much easier than my girl. It was kind of like going to the eye doctor when they shoot that puff of air in your eye, except that she did it a couple times and the puff of air was foul as fuck. If I had that puff at the eye doctor, I would seriously have to reconsider my need for vision. If seeing means foul pussy air, I think I’m good with being blind.

The worst thing is that I got those puffs in my mouth, too; and nothing I tried would kill them. Mouthwash, jalapenos, bleach. I tasted that foulness for at least 2 days (on my girl too). After a couple days it finally went away, but I was starting to get worried that it wouldn’t. Think I may just order another breakfast sandwich maker. Everyone loves that shit.

Homeless show compassion toward Harry

Name: Harry Bush
Age (at the time): 19

The night began at a friends house and mostly consisted of drinking Olympics of sorts. Beer pong, quarters, you name it we played it. This seemed like a typical drinking excursion for me, except for the fact that i had forgotten i had taken a shit load of allergy meds that night. This lead me to discover just why exactly they have all the warnings on why not to mix with alcohol.

The party was dying down and i was feeling good. I had a nice buzz and felt like i should keep it going. Now at this point i was too gone to drive so I left my car and enlisted my buddy to drop me off at another party on his way to work(he worked the night shift).

Now i arrive at the other party and immediately start consuming every drink I can get my hands on. I was Kristie Alley in a doughnut eating contest, I couldn’t be stopped. Needless to say I am shit housed at this point and this is where my memory starts to go. Unfortunately I am able to peace together the rest of the night through eyewitness accounts and bits and pieces of my own recollection.

Since I was dropped off I had no ride and walking while I am drunk is something i do best so I headed back to my car(still at the other party). This was a good 4 miles away so about a mile in I decide to take a break. I am close to my friend Jared’s house so I head there. I try calling him but he doesn’t answer so I continue to leave a message. It goes as follows ” hey dude i am outside your house. Wake your ass up and let me in. Man this Asian in a yellow keeps running by!”

Ten minutes later I try him again. This time it goes ” fuck you man,get up and let me in, oh shit theres that curious george man in the yellow hat fucking bastard again, I think he is coming to get me ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Jared never got either of those messages cause apparently I had misdialed for my friend jamee, but she has them saved and I still go back every now and just to remind myself of this night.

This part I remember, and it consisted of me screaming and chasing the man in yellow for a good ten minutes. He was scared shitless and if you by some chance read this then I apologize.

Eventually I make it back to my car, only its not there. This is where things start to deteriorate quick. My car is gone and my phone is dying. I needed to get to an outlet fast so I begin the walk to the nearest thing I can think of, McDonalds. When I get there I must have passed out in one of the booths because when i awoke I was surrounded by homeless people. I am very confused at this point mainly because I only have one shoe on and to this day i have no idea what happened to the other one. So I begin talking to the homeless guy next to me and explain my situation. Well anyways he felt so bad for me that he bought me an egg mcmuffin. It was probably the most delicious egg mcmuffin of my life.

As soon as I got a charge in my phone I got a call from my friend who apparently took my keys the night before and took my car for a joyride. He came and dropped it off soon after leaving it smelling like mix between stripper and vomit. I never did learn exactly what he used my car for that night.

Dear Harry, you’re a real piece of work. What kind of person makes a bum buy them food? You realize that he probably spent every last cent he had, just to hook you up right? But wait, you were surrounded when you woke up? Oh dear…That Egg McMuffin could have just been his way of saying “sorry about what we did to your pooper.” Anyway, good luck getting the puke smell out of your car.

First keg stand turns into 4 mile hike

Name: Chris
Age (at the time): 18

I used to go to Radford, a shit college about 15 minutes from Virginia Tech. One night while visiting Tech some friends and I were at a house party about a mile from my friend’s dorm. At this party we get hammered, like really hammered, and were drinking keg beer and shitty vodka.

That night I decided that I would do my first keg stand. I remember going up for the kegstand but blacked out mid-stand. While up in the air it seems that everything in my pockets fell out, including my phone my cigarettes, my keys, and all that. Then, a friend later told me, while standing on the deck I sprinted off into the woods across the street and disappeared. Not having my phone or an inch of sobriety my friends now could not find me.

Keg Stand Fail – Watch more Funny Videos

The next thing I know I pop back into consciousness walking through down town Blacksburg, which was about two miles from the party that I had been at. The only problem is, that now I’m dirty, scratched up by thorns
(apparently) and most curiously, I was wearing only one shoe but both my socks were gone. This means that at some point during my foray into the woods I had removed my shoes and my socks and had put just one of my shoes back on and I guess abandoned everything else to the elements.

Now, being drunk as shit and looking the part at age 18 in a downtown area was not good, but I made the three mile (or thereabouts) walk to my friends dorm. I had to be let into the building by a random person and knocked on my friends door, there was no answer.

That night I slept in the hall bathroom’s shower area and still have never done another kegstand.

Dear Chris, first of all I’d like to say good job on keeping one shoe.  Most people who go on a 4 mile hike while completely hammered, end up at their destination naked.  Also, I wouldn’t count out keg stands just yet.  You just need to be sure that you’re not doing them if you’ve already consumed a shit ton of alcohol.  Now get back out there slugger!

Angry Dragon and Gaggin’

Name: White Chocolate
Age: (at the time): 22

First of all I want to say I have been dating this girl for about 3 months, and we have done a lot of sexual things so we started our own journal with crazy stories. This is one of them..

I was waiting patiently for my beautiful caramel skinned girlfriend (im Caucasian, shes mixed) to get off work so she could get me off.
When she arrived, she wasted no time in running straight upstairs and jumped right on me in excitement to see me. My pants were quickly on the floor and my dick was quickly in her mouth.

I laid watching as my cock deeply penetrated her throat and could see her enjoying it just as much as I was. She took her top off and I massaged her dangling chocolate titties.

At this point in a blowjob I am anxious to fuck her pussy, but at this point in the month, shes on her period and I am not about to punch a bloody hole, ya know what im sayin..

She continued to stroke and suck me off, determined to get me to blow.. She looked me dead in the eyes, and knew the look on my face meant i was ready to cum. I pushed her head down deep on my shaft and proceeded to launching my sperm straight down her throat. She attempted to take it all, but gagged on my dick and my load.. she coughed with a mouthful, kind of like having a mouthful of milk when you laugh… it sprayed straight out of her nose and there was more dripping and clogging her nose canals.

She looked straight at me and then blew a cum rocket out of her nose and onto my stomach. I could not help but laugh while she ran to the bathroom to launch the rest out and try to drain the rest of the cum from her nasal cavity.

Dear White Chocolate, this might be the most detailed story entry we’ve ever received (thanks for that). Also, I’d like to let you know that your girlfriend performed a variation of what experts call an “angry dragon.”  If this happens again you can get an additional laugh by jumping right into a “jelly donut.”  Good luck!

When the brown eye winks, the room stinks

Name: Schmee
Age (at the time): 15

When I was about fifteen years old I had a pretty awesome girlfriend. Hot as fuck and not only that but the biggest nymphomaniac I have ever met. This was around the time that lame ass movie A.I.
came out and she decided to see it. I didn’t really care for the movie at all, but since Jude Law was it, she practically shit her pants and said we need to see this. I am sitting there thinking, “Jesus, this movie is going to be bogus as hell.” Luckily, she started to realize the same thing.

After about an hour into the movie, she leans over to me and says, “This movie sucks cock, and speaking of sucking cock, I want yours in my mouth… now.” I was sitting there thinking, “Oh boy, here it comes.” she then tells me to meet her in the unisex bathroom. I wasn’t really down with it at first, but then I decided why not, this probably won’t happen ever again. So she tells me to do some stupid knock so she knows that it’s me.

I wait about five or ten minutes after she leaves and I decide it’s time for glory. I find my way to the bathroom and try decide which one she went into. Luckily, I guessed the right one. I knock on the door to the old Shave-and-a-Haircut tune. Like from Who Framed Roger Rabbit when he’s hiding in the bar. She opens the door, and it was pitch black. I walk in, and she locks the door and pretty much takes me down to the ground and I’m sitting there naked, wondering what ninja skills does this girl have. We start going to town and start banging the living hell out of each other. Before we started banging each other’s brains out, I started wondering what the hell would happen if someone happened to catch us. Next thing I know, I hear someone knocking. I immediately pull out and start getting dressed and then the knocking stops. I turn on the light and tell her that we should probably get out of there before someone comes back. She says, “NO!!” and rips my pants off.

This time we kept the lights on. I told her lets just stick to some oral sex. We start 69-ing and after about 30 seconds of doing it, I realize something smells like shit. I didn’t really care about the smell at first.

I figured a little fart must have snuck out or something, so I kept on going to town. Then, the smell just started getting worse and worse and way more potent by the second. I pull my head back and realize that it really does smell like shit. After realizing the smell was poop, I take a look and see some nasty ass pudding type shit stuck in her crack. Immediately I start dry heaving and just act like I’m about to cum. I stand up and run straight for the toilet and just put my clothes on and told her, “Call your mom now, we are leaving.” She looked clueless as to what was going on, but I figured she had dropped a deuce before I went into there and did not do a thorough job of wiping that shit.

To this day I still have nightmares… It gives me the shivers every time I think about it.

Dear Schmee, first of all your girlfriend had some issues.  What chick takes a dump in a movie theater?  I guess that question sort of answers itself “the kind that wants you to bang her afterwords.”  Props to you for trying to power through it.  Personally I wouldn’t ever be able to look at her the same again.

Puking nephews, upset aunts

Name: Andrew Mattson
Age (at the time): 16

It was St patties day in a one red light town. I asked my aunt if i could throw a party at her house she agreed and we started calling people and accruing beer. It ended up turning into a big party by word of mouth and after we ran outta beer and other drinks. My buddies and I were wasted outta our minds but i didn’t want the party to stop just yet so I broke into my aunts liquor cabinet and brought out a brand new gallon jug of rum figuring to make some rum and cokes.

We never could find any coke so I started filling up solo cups to the brim and handing them out. No one would drink them so to show that i wasn’t scared i chugged two cups.

After that I got tucker max drunk and started puking on people and my aunts brand new leather furniture. Right after I puke on her furniture aunt Sue wakes up to see if everything is going alright. As she is walking in my brother doesn’t know whether or not he should dive on the puke and act as if he is sleeping to cover it or fess up. Before she sees the puke I full on tackle her she is small (poor woman). She sees the puke and hates me even more. I woke up next to my buddy in our underwear covered in puke cuddling with the toilet.

I failed to mention earlier that my friend has a very religious mother and to get my buddy to come and party I had to agree to go to church the next day.  After I woke up I drove home and threw my clothes away.  I ate a bowl of chicken soup went the the bathroom and proceeded to shuke (shitting and puking simultaneously).

After my shuke I drove to church without showering.  I sat down next to my friends father who said I looked like death and smelled like the bathroom of a brewery.  I ran out of the church 4 times to go puke and dry heave

During the 15 minute part of church where everyone passes the word of god the pastor and a whole bunch of old ladies asked me what I did the night before and why I would come to church smelling so badly and hungover.

My aunt eventually did forgive me.

Dear Andrew, when someone allows you to use their house as a place to party, it’s a good idea not to go all Terry Tate on them.  Also, when you’ve been puking all night, consider a shower the following morning.

When Brown Bandits Strike

Name: CK
Age: 24

A few years ago we did a pub crawl.  At around the 5th bar we met another group of people who were doing their own pub crawl.  So toward the end of this thing I’m hitting it off with one of the girls from the other group.  We were both hammered beyond words so we took a cab back to her place.

Now the rest is fuzzy but I’m pretty sure we hooked up.  At around 5am I wake up with a pain in my stomach.  What I saw next has haunted me until this day.

Apparently I had shit in my sleep, and it was everywhere.  I wanted to get out of there fast but I didn’t want her to know that I shit in her bed so I panicked…  So in my panicked state I used my finger to smear some of the poo on the back of her panties.  I was hoping that she would think that she had been the one the made the mess.  So then I washed up and bolted home.

A few months later I saw her again but she didn’t say a word to me.

Dear CK, I really like your creativity but don’t you think she would have noticed that only the outside of her panties had been shit on?  I’m still going to give you an A+ for critical thinking, but in the future you should consider wiping some of your turd in her ass crack.  This should cover all of the bases and she’d definately think that she was the brown bandit.

Bongs and brownholes, a lovely combo

Name: Alex
Age: 16

This happened the better part of a decade ago when I was still in high-school but still tops my list for most inebriated experiences.

My buddy Greg’s parents had a cabin in Breckenridge and one winter a bunch of the guys I was hanging out with then had planned a snowboarding trip. These guys were all juniors and I was a sophomore so I remember this being one of the first times I’d get to party without having local cops and parents nearby.
Somebody had a booze connect and a bunch of girls were secretly coming up to stay and party with us, so this was looking to be an awesome weekend.

We had Friday off of school for some reason so we drove up that morning and boarded all day. That night was slow because the girls weren’t coming till the next morning and we were waking up early to board again, so I drank a couple beers and played Tony Hawk on the Playstation. We snowboarded all day Saturday before bringing a huge stupid group of irresponsible high-schoolers back to the cabin to party.

Now the thing I haven’t mentioned yet is that we were all going home the next day but I was supposed to be back in Colorado Springs much earlier than everyone else because I had a Sunday rehearsal for the High School play I was in (so I was a drama geek, just don’t give me a bad review.) To remedy my problem I had arranged to have my friend Matt drive me home early for a $20 sum. This deal had allowed me to go on the weekend trip in the first place.

So anyway, Saturday night I couldn’t give a fuck about the next days rehearsal, I’m with my friends, we got booze and girls, no problem. I drink several beers and do several shots with my friends before all the girls arrive at the cabin and I continue doing shots and drinking beers (which my 16 year-old body couldn’t recognize as too much fucking alcohol.) One of the last things I remember is going to a car to smoke a bowl with a couple of girls, I being the only guy who smoked but hadn’t done so in at least a years time. I re-entered the house and begin pouring myself more shots and recall my friend Greg’s exact words, “Hey man, don’t you think you had enough?” And my scoffing, derisive retort was to do another shot before blacking out.

Words cannot describe the next mornings hangover and the walk of shame as everyone that had been there jeered at me the next morning as I left. In the car on the way home my friend Matt filled me in on what kind of antics I’d been up to the night before.

At some point I was wearing nothing but boxers and repeatedly falling down the stairs. When my friend Anna tried to get me to puke so as to settle the fuck down I did so all over her chest. While everyone in the bathroom rushed to help Anna, I was left briefly unattended.

During those few seconds I managed to smash a glass on the floor and roll around in it, which Matt told me explained the cuts I had all over my back and arm. After cleaning Anna of my vomit and me of my own blood, everyone felt it was safe to send me to my room to change my clothes. This only resulted in me turning my boxers around so that my ass was showing through the hole. I fell down the stairs some more and eventually passed out somewhere before being dragged to bed.

Matt took me home and I stood in one spot holding my head and muttering my lines during a full dress rehearsal Sunday morning; and nobody who was there that night will ever forget the sight of my brown-eye though my boxer hole.

Dear Alex, props to you for not giving in when your friends told you to stop drinking.  That’s usually when the best shit happens.

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