Should I Buy Her A Drink? [Flowchart]
November 6, 2009
If you end up hitting the bars tonight, we’d like you to be prepared. Sometimes knowing when and who to buy a drink for can be a challenging task for young men. We’ve developed an extremely basic reference guide to help you step up the plate and score some (probably married) tail. Good luck young Jedi.
25 Hot Chicks In Fishnets (nsfw)
November 5, 2009
Awhile back we started a fairly pervy fishnet thread via the forums. Today I revisited that thread while adding a few of my own discoveries. Keep scrolling and you’ll make a discovery of your own…in your pants. <- Holy shit that was awful.
The Feminization of Vampire Movies
November 3, 2009
Remember when the vampires in movies would just slaughter people left and right while banging hot chicks? It really wasn’t that long ago. Unfortunately for those of us who grew to admire the OG bloodsucking badass, Hollywood decided to turn the modern vampire into a complete pussy. To demonstrate the decline of asskickery in vampire films we’ve made a small timeline. Side note: We almost had Edward from Twilight in for an interview, but he was too busy sharing a Root Beer float with a construction worker.
Click to Enlarge
5 Things you learn after you turn 21
November 2, 2009
The Wingman
Find one. And I don’t just mean anyone. A good Wingman is like a guardian angel on crack cocaine. Buzz kill at 12 o’ clock? Send him in. Over protective roommate ruining your game? Give him the knod and get the fuck out of the way. A good Wingman does not mind taking down a Wildebeest that tips the scales at a buck eighty-five. He’ll do it, and look good doing it.
Bar Tabs
Never throw down your debit card before you’ve paid rent for that month. We’ve all done it and some of you reading this will probably do it again. Thats alright though, its part of growing up. If you haven’t lived off of Top Ramen for weeks on end, then you really haven’t lived at all. If rent is $475 and you have $500 in your account, do yourself a favor and withdrawl 20 bucks in cash. Thats still enough to get you a few drinks during happy hour. Otherwise you end up buying drinks for those around you, and the $20 you wanted to spend, turns into $50 that you don’t have.
Cock Block
You probably can’t count on one hand how many times you’ve been cock blocked or returned the favor. When two guys give one girl the same retarded amount of attention, she will end up bailing on you both to hang with the guy who smacked her ass on her way to the ladies room. Sometimes its important to know when to bow out. If not, theres a good chance your face will end up looking like a hamburger at the hands of your best friend. And at what cost? A piece of tail you probably wouldn’t have been able to take home.
Cab Fair
Always keep enough reserve cash for the cab fair. Scrambling around the block at 3am with a stomach full of alcohol is no picnic.
You won’t be having sexual intercourse
Unless you have a vagina, there’s a good chance you won’t get laid when you hit the clubs. After going out for a few years you’ll find that you have much more fun when your goal is only to have a good time. When your goal is to get laid, you’re setting yourself up for defeat. On occasion you will find the sloppy chick who is ready to knock boots after you’ve given her 2 compliments, 4 drinks, and fed her some lines about how successful you are. Glove up, this isn’t her first rodeo. You didn’t seal that deal because you have game, you sealed it because you found a whore. The Alpha Male: Trying to be the dominant alpha male is also a good way for people to laugh at you, not with you. Chicks don’t dig it and your batting average will plummet from low to non-existent. If the video below reminds you of how you and your friends act, you’re doing something wrong.
5 Dates That Shouldn’t End in Foreplay
October 30, 2009
Chowing box, munching clam, eating carpet, grubbing on an axe wound (I just made that one up)…These lovely Euphemisms for cunnilingus make most of us (as men or awesome lesbians) extremely happy. Are there wrong times to go below the border for a pink tuna taco though? In short, yes. And since we’ve recently been classified as a “men’s lifestyle” site I feel it’s my duty to make educational posts from time to time.
Today we’re going to look at some dating situations where you should probably shy away from gobbling on your special lady’s sideways Sloppy Joe.
Going Clubbing
If for whatever reason you get talked into hitting a club with your date, go ahead and agree, but add a stipulation. Make sure you explain that foreplay will be on-hold in the near future. First of all, guys hate clubs. We were put on this earth to spread our seed, not dance. Secondly, these ladies are going to be grinding up against all sorts of different bodies. Now take that and combine it with room temp and brutal humidity. All of these factors put together gives you a salmon sandwich that’s been marinating in a sauna…pass.
Rollerskate Land
Rollerskating has started to make a comeback. And unlike the Afro, bell bottoms, and disco music, rollerskating is quite enjoyable. Sadly, guys enjoy the part where we have a few drinks beforehand and slam into each other, while our lady friends…well, don’t. To top an already boring date off, your companion will have worked up a nice little sweat from skating in a retarded circle for an hour. Now even though her cut off shorts supply a nice stream of airflow to the affected area, you’re bound to have some funk.
Mini-Golfing in August
Miniature golf can be very exciting…wait, no it can’t. It’s one of those dates like bowling that you can default to for boring first dates. But unlike bowling, you won’t be in a room with AC. Let’s do some basic math to see if cunnilingus is an option. 90 degree August heat + walking + jumping around when she gets a hole in one = ???
Dinner at El Torito
Going to a Mexican restaurant on any date is a big mistake, let’s go over the obvious to get it out of the way. Your tacos were awesome, the wine was great, and now you’re back at her crib for what appears to be a night of intense lovemaking. You dip down for the eager beaver when…pooffffffffffffffffft. You don’t really hear much but the wind on your chin and smell of shit tell you that your desert is basically a shit sandwich. This could have been your motherfucking soul mate, but you chose to go eat Mexican food, and now you’ll never be able to look at her again without thinking of a big smelly shart.
Salsa Dancing
Going to a dance lesson on a first date says a few things: For men it says; You’re compassionate, willing to learn, sensitive, and comfortable with your man card. For women it says; your box is going to be a smoldering compost in less than 30 minutes. However, if you look like the girl in the pic above it really doesn’t matter, we’ll power through that shit like a turbo diesel in the mud.
Conclusion: Ladies, don’t let him head downstairs face first after any physical dates. If he tries, warn him. If he starts to heave because he’s just been hit with the wonderful aroma of dogshit and gym, then be sure to throw out the “I told ya so” card.
Conclusion 2: If you look like the Salsa Dancing chick you can pretty much do whatever you want.
25 Sexy Vampire Babes (nsfw)
October 28, 2009
I never really knew how popular vampire porn was until we started putting together this little montage. In one of the scenes, this priest basically gets raped by two vamp skanks and and…Oh look my torrent is done. Having ADD rules.
7 Semi Retarded Ads For Your Penis
October 27, 2009
If you’re a guy, you think your penis is awesome, and you should. Sadly, females have become fairly choosy in modern society when it comes to the size of the flesh rocket they want to be pounded by. Some of us who measure in at less than average have turned a curious eye when we see something guaranteed to make ‘it’ bigger and better. Here are seven somewhat laughable ads that make the less than average man, perform like a stallion.
7) Cialis - Cuba Gooding Jr. used it and his boner tripped someone. Become a 36 hour donkey swinging Casanova now.
6) Erectol XL – Two of these per day and you’ll be bobbing your own knob.
5) Magna RX – The chick moaning was getting nailed by a dude using our pill. Order now.
4) Viswiss – Our pill works while you’re wasted! No more whiskey dick after a night of clubbing.
3) Viagra – Cock push ups are a thing of the past. When you’re on Viagra you can do the ‘cock spin’.
2) Vigorin – If you try to push your junk down after taking 2 of these, your mother fucking heels will come off of the ground. Get Torqued with Viogrin.
1) Xomax – We turned an average Joe into a pussy pounding porn star, buy this shit now.
Tribute to girls in referee outfits
October 26, 2009
Last Halloween I was super lazy so I bought a referee shirt and a whistle before we hit the bars. Surprise surprise, I wasn’t the only one. Thankfully most of the other refs were babes so it gave me some good opportunities to use lines like:
“whoa we have same costume lets take a pic!”
“We’re like twins, lets do a shot”
“You look better than me lets fuck” (didn’t actually use this one but I should have).
10 Naughty NSFW Pumpkin Pics
October 24, 2009
There’s nothing that says ‘Happy Halloween’ better then a jack-0-lantern spreading his ass cheeks so that we can enjoy the sight of his candle lit cornhole. Here are 10 examples of people who gave their pumpkins a rated R dash of flavor.
Bonus! 2 Pumpkins, 1 Cup
6 Ways the Internet F’s Up Your Life
October 23, 2009
Most of us wouldn’t know how to function if we woke up tomorrow without access to the internet super webosphere highway of lulz. Everything from telling coworkers they suck via IM, keeping in touch with family via status update, and firing a giant load without having to open a Playboy are extremely easy via the net. We won’t waste our time telling you the countless ways internet makes your life better, we’d rather be negative.
Cyber Sex
Honestly, we can see how black text on a white screen spelling out specific sex acts in extreme detail could be sexy. Maybe. Realistically, what may also be the case is that you just cybered a 400 lb guy with four inches of back-hair. How sexy do you feel now? If we’re really lucky, your performance was documented by Blood Ninja
You Have No Real Privacy
If you use your real name on the Internet, people can google you, order background reports, search your job history, etc. You only have to reveal it once. Say hello to your new Internet-stalkers and kiss your privacy goodbye. Simple personal privacy is a thing of the past for most people. Go ahead, google yourself. I’ll wait.
It’s 24/7
We’re really into instant gratification and pride ourselves for being in the know, but sometimes it gets out of hand. Social networks on the Internet operate around the clock and you don’t want to miss a beat. How can you sleep before you know the final score? If you’re missing out on sleep or skipping work to screw around on the Internet, you’ve got a monkey on your back. Oh, and like most junkies, you’ll lose everything before you admit you have a problem. That doesn’t mean you’ll stop.
Internet Friends
Are your Internet friends real friends, or are they in a separate, somewhat lower classification of friendship than people you know in real life? Just because you haven’t met face to face doesn’t mean that you don’t know a person very well. Facts are that you may know more about your online-friends — and have a more open relationship with them — than their real-life friends do. However, friendships in cyberspace can also be less fun than setting your hair on fire. Who’s to say if your friend is a pathological liar, or turns out to be a psycho stalker? You never truly know until it’s too late.
Online Dating
Just as true friendships can begin over the Internet, romantic relationships can form just as easily. The Internet’s brought us dating sites, video-chat and even opportunities to arrange booty calls online. It also upped your chances of becoming involved in a long-distance relationship, and enduring the headaches that come along with one. It takes a lot of love, trust and commitment to keep a long distance relationship going, and it doesn’t hurt to actually have sex with the person, either. You’ll also want that unlimited calling plan while you try to figure out what to do about this mess you’ve gotten yourself into.
Gaming
If you’re looking to compete at even an intermediate level of online gaming, be prepared to flush hours of your life down the toilet. Online gaming is nothing like single player gaming. No one plays a game to have fun on the internet. Once you connect, you’ll be matched up against serious cyberwarriors, and if you don’t want to be the n00b cake everyone toys with, you’re going to need to put in some serious dedication. Online Gaming has ruined relationships since Duke Nukem 3D was playable on heat.net. But honestly, if you’re the best, do you even want a GF? Let’s ask the young man in the figure above.
