News - page 20

Sep 19, 2014

Florida Man Busted For Fapping At Yoga Class

42-year-old Joseph Jordan is a registered sex offender. That doesn’t stop him from joining a yoga class in cut off...

Sep 18, 2014

Arkansas Woman Calls Police On Stuffed Tiger

On September 8th a women called Bryant PD over what she thought was a dead tiger on the side of...

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Sep 17, 2014

Man Dies After Eating Cocaine Out of His Brothers Butt Hole

Back in 2011 20-year-old Wayne Mitchell made the ultimate sacrifice. At the time, he and his brother, 23-year-old Deangelo Mitchell...

Sep 16, 2014

Thai Woman Commits Suicide By Jumping In Crocodile Pit

When you’ve had it up to here with life, there are a few things you can do to say good-bye,...

Sep 15, 2014

Facebook Users In Los Angeles Call 911 When Site Went Down

Facebook users prove again that they’re the lowest common denominator.  Last month we mentioned that they actually had to add...

Sep 12, 2014

Canadian Bear Cub Trolls Golfers

Golfers who were enjoying a round at Fairmont Hot Springs Resort in Vancouver were trolled by a bear cub. The...

Sep 11, 2014

Florida Man Passes Out While Robbing Home

This is Dion Davis.  He is not a smart man.  Why? Well for starters this picture was taken by police...

Hawking to Science: Please Don’t Destroy the Universe

Attention particle scientists! STOP FUCKING WITH THE HIGGS-BOSON PARTICLE! Why? Because Dr. Stephen Hawking has advised against it, and since...

Sep 11, 2014

Devil Statue With Massive Erection Mysteriously Pops Up In Vancouver

Commuters on Vancouver’s SkyTrain were given a devilish surprise when they passed through Grandview-Woodlands yesterday morning. The area which previously...

Sep 10, 2014

Elderly Church Deacon With ‘God Is My Co-Pilot’ Bumper Sticker Runs Over Homeless Man

80-year-old Lillian McTodd is a Catholic Deacon and a productive member of the church, but she drives like…well, just about...

Sep 9, 2014

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Sep 8, 2014

Secret Identity of Historic Serial Killer a former ‘X-Files’ Star? Sources Say Absolutely Not

In the fall of 1888, Jack the Ripper, who is most definitely not David Duchovny, struck London, leaving at least...

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Sep 5, 2014

Man Divorces His Wife Because She Wanted Too Much Sex

A man from Mumbai divorced his wife last month because she wanted too much sex. No this isn’t an Onion...

Sep 4, 2014

Girl In India Forced To Marry Dog

18-year-old Mangli Munda lives in a quiet village in eastern India. Like many girls her age, she dreamed of having...

Sep 3, 2014

Drunk Driver Slams Into “Drive Sober” Sign On Police Lawn

A 34-year-old Michigan man from Grand Blanc Township is in hot water today for operating a motor vehicle while over...

Sep 3, 2014

Ladies, Don’t Leave CeeLo Alone With Your Drink

The lyrics to CeeLo Green’s “Fuck You” hint at a sadness within the performer. It would appear that he’s frustrated...

Sep 2, 2014

Bikini Barista and Owner of Java Juggs Gets Busted For Prostitution

As many of you know, there was a booming business in Everett, Washington called Java Juggs. Essentially, you could stare...

Aug 29, 2014

Awful Mother Hangs Up On Cop Because It Was Her Turn To Dance

And in Florida news… 29-year-old Bobbey Jo Boucher is a terrible mom. Why? Well her 10-year-old daughter had been missing...

Aug 28, 2014

Marijuana Cures Domestic Violence but Blurs Concepts of Correlation and Causation

In a study that could be filed under “N” for “No fucking shit,” researchers have discovered a correlation between marijuana...

Aug 27, 2014

Scientists Say We Are Living In a Simulation

As an armchair futurist and a fan of the Matrix trilogy, the following piece of news posted on Vice has...

Aug 26, 2014

Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey are Getting Divorced Much to the Disappointment of Idiots

Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey are getting divorced, which is fine because who gives a shit? I mean really. Who...

Aug 25, 2014

Arby’s Is Going To Kill Everyone With “The Meat Mountain”

In an effort to show customers that they served more than roast beef, Arby’s has been displaying the following image.  ...

Aug 22, 2014

Florida Man Gets Stuck In Vending Machine, Firefighters Called

A man whose name has not been released was rescued by Jacksonville firefighters who responded to an “industrial accident.” Firefighters...

Aug 21, 2014

Matthew McConaughey Wears a Fanny Pack and Now I Do Too

At a point, Matthew McConaughey’s career seemed stuck in Rom-Com Land; if two unlikely lovers surmount a variety of social...

Aug 20, 2014

Montana Man Calls Cops Because Stripper Wouldn’t Have Sex

This handsome devil is 53-year-old William McDaniel from Butte, Montana. On Saturday night, Sam decided to hit a strip club...

Aug 19, 2014

Did a Google Street Car Run This Dog Over?

Google Streetview currently covers 39+ countries.  In every one of those countries, employees are hired to drive…and drive…and drive some...

Aug 18, 2014

The Onion Makes a Jab At Stupid Facebook Users

If you have any dumb dumbs as your friend on Facebook –  more than likely you’ve seen them post an...

Aug 14, 2014

Saudi Man Killed By Donkey He Was Trying To Have Sex With

A Saudi Sheikh man wanted to have some alone time with his donkey. He tied the animal to his bumper,...

Aug 13, 2014

Kim Kardashian is Publishing a Book of Selfies Because She’s a Stupid Bitch and I Hate Her

The bad news is that you read the headline correctly. The world’s biggest thunder-cunt this side of Cersei Lannister is...

Aug 12, 2014

Charles Manson has a Wife and You’re Still Single

Seriously, what is wrong with you? How are you so single, dude? I mean, look at you. You’re young, you...

Aug 8, 2014

“Literally” Now Literally Means “Figuratively” and Nobody Is Thinking of the Children

I opened up my trusty dictionary and what I saw caused me to literally shit my pants. I literally shit...

Aug 7, 2014

The Transporter is Being Rebooted Because You’ll See It, You Idiot

Frank Martin, aka The Transporter, is a man employed by criminals to transport illicit packages to other criminals. Martin is...

Jul 31, 2014

Help Make July 29th “National Orlando Bloom Day”

Ladies and gentlemen, we are at a crossroads. Tonight, we have an opportunity to stand together as a people and...

Jul 31, 2014

Performance Artist Paints with Vagina

Milo Moiré, a super serious and respected Swiss painter, recently created a piece called “PlopEgg,” which is sure to be...

Jul 29, 2014

Spider-Man is a MENACE!

J. Jonah Jameson was right: SPIDER MAN IS A MENACE! We all enjoy his web-slinging antics and his ability to...

Jul 24, 2014

Pornhub to Release Coolio Music

When browsing through categories on your favorite porn site, you may soon find something surprising between “condom” and “copulating”–“Coolio.” Previously...

Jul 24, 2014

Jail Unhappy with “Orange is the New Black”

Due to the success and popularity of Orange is the New Black, the inmates at one Michigan jail have been...