My Girlfriend’s vagina is loose, what now?

A lot of you know what it’s like to encounter a vagina that’s been around the block a time or six. Many scholars refer to it as “the hotdog down a hallway.” Personally I like to picture one of those Dinner bell triangles that you often see in Westerns.

I was too lazy for an explanation on how this works so I grabbed one from google images.  After a loose vagina encounter the obvious approach is to start coming up with jokes to tell your friends when you guys settle down for your weekly Modern Warfare II night.  But what happens if you start dating this young lady?  Will you be able to make such an admission in front of your friends?  Is this viscous ailment curable?  Fear not young padawans, uncle Jason is here to help.

Kegles

This exercise, along with all of it’s counterparts, is probably the cheapest way to turn that saarlac pit into a snake burrow.  You can present kegles in a completely innocent manner, follow this example.  Buy a book or video on Kegle exercises as a gift for your girlfriend.  When she hits you with “WTF dog you don’t think my pussy is tight enough?”  you can hit back with “Oh shit homegirl, I thought I was buying you the Thigh Master DvD you mentioned.”

It’s a flawless way to stay out of the dog house while planting a seed.

Vinegar

“I dip my finger in vinegar then give er the ol’ pinky and it tightens right up” -  Dave the trailer park guy

When we were in 8th grade we’d often get random bits of advice from a weird guy who lived in the trailer near my friend Ron’s house.  And although we laughed at lessons like this, I haven’t met a female who told me that this method does not work.  Ladies, if you’re going to call bullshit I’ll need pics and video – thanks.

Larger Penis

Is it all possible that the problem lies with you and not her?  Probably not, but we’ll go there just in case.

“Well doc it feels like I’m slamming my junk into a bottomless bowl of jell-o.”  Hypothetically: Let’s say your GF hasn’t been passed around like a J at a 311 concert.  Yet for some reason, you still feel like a Q-Tip in a Coke bottle.  I’ll tell you from experience that pills and pumps are a joke.  As a last resort you can get snipped and stretched.

Conclusion:

Let’s face it, your girlfriend has seen more meat whistles than a urinal at Yankees stadium.  At least now you can embrace this touchy situation with additional knowledge.  Remember, you can always turn toward surgery if you’re not big on confrontation.  However, it’d probably be cheaper to just swap that catchers mit for another.

If Children Created Swine Flu Cures

Swine Flu is here to stay.  Sadly, no one is doing what they should be doing to get some real answers.

You can never go wrong asking a Kindergartner for advice in extreme situations.

The Future Has a Cure

Kindergartners  Logic – Michael Fox used this car to get cool stuff with the old man.  We could use it to go in the future and then come back.

Kool-Aid for Pigs

Kindergartners  Logic – Red Kool-Aid the punch kind makes me feel better when it’s hot outside and I’m allowed to have it in the Summer.

Pooh’s Honey (Not to be confused with the Japanese adult film “Poo and Honey”)

Kindergartners  Logic – Sometimes if Winnie doesn’t feel good he gets better after honey.

Tami Flu – Like the cure for the T virus, but for pigs.

Kindergartners  Logic – This one time at a sleep-over we saw Resident Evil where people got sick and died.  But then to get better they had a shot like this.  We should use it and I also saw the one girls boobs.

Lemsip (Zesty zip of lime mixed with the delicious taste of bacon)

Kindergartners  Logic – My uncle says that bacon is the best shit ever so if we use it in tea then more people will drink it and be ok again.

Military Gas Masks

Kindergartners  Logic – My Dad said that those paper masks don’t do dick.  The pigs should use the better masks to stay healthy and strong.

Nesquik

Kindergartners  Logic – I think if Babe the pig or the other one from Charlotte’s Web was sick then chocolate milk would help because the bunny is always happy.

Missiles Over Mexico

Kindergartners  Logic – If USA can shoot bombs at the bad pigs then we wouldn’t get sick anymore because the bad pigs would died.

Check out the rest of the entries here

What does your bar tab say about you?

Have you ever seen a receipt laying on a bar top, and thought to yourself “I bet I know what kind of person this belongs to”?  Is it possible to formulate a conclusion based solely on what someone ordered?  We’d like to think so.

6) The Wannabe Musician

The wannabe musician considers himself to be an artist.  He starts off with micro brews or imports to let everyone know that he is a sophisticated individual, who will not conform to trends.  As the night wears on, he begins to wonder why he hasn’t booked a gig in 2 years, and starts to order something with higher alcohol content.  After gulping down his Long Island Iced Tea, he begins to realize that his music sucks.  From here on out he orders shots of Jose until he runs out of cash.  After leaving a $1.32 tip, he heads back to his ride.

5) The Construction Worker

After working 12 hours in the sweltering heat, The Construction Worker hits his favorite bar.  He knows everyone by their first name and usually keeps himself in well mannered.  Around beer #9 he begins to refer to the bartender as “sugar tits” instead of  “Kimmie” (all in good fun).  After completing beer #12, he hops in his F-150, drives home to his wife, and doesn’t swerve once.

4) The Aspiring Actress

The Aspiring Actress enters a popular night club and only orders club soda.  She has $20 to her name and this is the cheapest drink on the menu.  Thankfully, some sap in a suit rolls up on her after club soda #2, and offers to buy her some real drinks.  After telling her that she is talented and beautiful, he pays for the rest of the tab, and takes her back to his place.  Dignity is small price to pay when you just got 5 free cosmos and a compliment.

3) The Broken Hearted Frat Boy

Having just been dumped, the emotional frat boy enters his favorite sports bar.  After telling most of the patrons his sob story, he decides that his pain will go away with shots of Jack.  Sadly this Frat boy didn’t bring enough money to cover his tab, so the bar holds on to his ID and credit card until he can make payment.  An unfortunate ending to the shit storm of a day hes already been through.

2) The Sorority Girl

The Sorority Girl and her sisters know how to game the system.  They are the only ones who leave a bar with more money than they entered with.  The Sorority Girl targets bars that are saturated with sausage, thus allowing her to pull in all sorts of free drinks (just to help even out the 10:1 ratio of dudes per chick).  Once she has depleted all of the resources in one bar, she will move on to the next ‘brodeo’, where she will once again be the center of attention.

1) The Typical Guido

The Typical Guido enters clubs believing that he is gods gift to women.  Sucking down 1 Jager Bomb per beer, he is determined to do two things.  Get completely hammered, and score some tail.  Sadly this douchebag usually ends up going home alone; heres why.

There are 80 milligrams of caffeine in a Red Bull.  A Jager Bomb has about 1/2 of a Red Bull in it (40 MG).

40 mg Caffeine x 6 =  240 milligrams of caffeine.

With 240 milligrams of caffeine + alcohol pumpng through his veins, the Guido is more annoying at the end of the night then when it started.

The Typical Douchebag – Watch more free videos

Should I Buy Her A Drink? [Flowchart]

If you end up hitting the bars tonight, we’d like you to be prepared.  Sometimes knowing when and who to buy a drink for can be a challenging task for young men.  We’ve developed an extremely basic reference guide to help you step up the plate and score some (probably married) tail.  Good luck young Jedi.

The Feminization of Vampire Movies

Remember when the vampires in movies would just slaughter people left and right while banging hot chicks?  It really wasn’t that long ago.  Unfortunately for those of us who grew to admire the OG bloodsucking badass, Hollywood decided to turn the modern vampire into a complete pussy.  To demonstrate the decline of asskickery in vampire films we’ve made a small timeline.  Side note: We almost had Edward from Twilight in for an interview, but he was too busy sharing a Root Beer float with a construction worker.

Click to Enlarge

5 Things you learn after you turn 21

The Wingman

Find one.  And I don’t just mean anyone.  A good Wingman is like a guardian angel on crack cocaine.  Buzz kill at 12 o’ clock?  Send him in.  Over protective roommate ruining your game?  Give him the knod and get the fuck out of the way.  A good Wingman does not mind taking down a Wildebeest that tips the scales at a buck eighty-five.  He’ll do it, and look good doing it.

Bar Tabs

Never throw down your debit card before you’ve paid rent for that month.  We’ve all done it and some of you reading this will probably do it again.  Thats alright though, its part of growing up.  If you haven’t lived off of Top Ramen for weeks on end, then you really haven’t lived at all.  If rent is $475 and you have $500 in your account, do yourself a favor and withdrawl 20 bucks in cash.  Thats still enough to get you a few drinks during happy hour.  Otherwise you end up buying drinks for those around you, and the $20 you wanted to spend, turns into $50 that you don’t have.

Cock Block

You probably can’t count on one hand how many times you’ve been cock blocked or returned the favor.  When two guys give one girl the same retarded amount of attention, she will end up bailing on you both to hang with the guy who smacked her ass on her way to the ladies room.  Sometimes its important to know when to bow out.  If not, theres a good chance your face will end up looking like a hamburger at the hands of your best friend.  And at what cost?  A piece of tail you probably wouldn’t have been able to take home.

Cab Fair

Always keep enough reserve cash for the cab fair.  Scrambling around the block at 3am with a stomach full of alcohol is no picnic.

You won’t be having sexual intercourse

Unless you have a vagina, there’s a good chance you won’t get laid when you hit the clubs.  After going out for a few years you’ll find that you have much more fun when your goal is only to have a good time.  When your goal is to get laid, you’re setting yourself up for defeat.  On occasion you will find the sloppy chick who is ready to knock boots after you’ve given her 2 compliments, 4 drinks, and fed her some lines about how successful you are.  Glove up, this isn’t her first rodeo.  You didn’t seal that deal because you have game, you sealed it because you found a whore.  The Alpha Male: Trying to be the dominant alpha male is also a good way for people to laugh at you, not with you.  Chicks don’t dig it and your batting average will plummet from low to non-existent.  If the video below reminds you of how you and your friends act, you’re doing something wrong.

5 Dates That Shouldn’t End in Foreplay

Chowing box, munching clam, eating carpet, grubbing on an axe wound (I just made that one up)…These lovely Euphemisms for cunnilingus make most of us (as men or awesome lesbians) extremely happy.  Are there wrong times to go below the border for a pink tuna taco though?  In short, yes.  And since we’ve recently been classified as a “men’s lifestyle” site I feel it’s my duty to make educational posts from time to time.

Today we’re going to look at some dating situations where you should probably shy away from gobbling on your special lady’s sideways Sloppy Joe.

Going Clubbing

If for whatever reason you get talked into hitting a club with your date, go ahead and agree, but add a stipulation.  Make sure you explain that foreplay will be on-hold in the near future. First of all, guys hate clubs. We were put on this earth to spread our seed, not dance.  Secondly, these ladies are going to be grinding up against all sorts of different bodies.  Now take that and combine it with room temp and brutal humidity.  All of these factors put together gives you  a salmon sandwich that’s been marinating in a sauna…pass.

Rollerskate Land

Rollerskating has started to make a comeback.   And unlike the Afro, bell bottoms, and disco music, rollerskating is quite enjoyable.  Sadly, guys enjoy the part where we have a few drinks beforehand and slam into each other, while our lady friends…well, don’t.  To top an already boring date off, your companion will have worked up a nice little sweat from skating in a retarded circle for an hour.  Now even though her cut off shorts supply a nice stream of airflow to the affected area, you’re bound to have some funk.

Mini-Golfing in August

Miniature golf  can be very exciting…wait, no it can’t.  It’s one of those dates like bowling that you can default to for boring first dates.  But unlike bowling, you won’t be in a room with AC.  Let’s do some basic math to see if cunnilingus is an option.  90 degree August heat + walking + jumping around when she gets a hole in one = ???

Dinner at El Torito

Going to a Mexican restaurant on any date is a big mistake, let’s go over the obvious to get it out of the way.  Your tacos were awesome, the wine was great, and now you’re back at her crib for what appears to be a night of intense lovemaking.  You dip down for the eager beaver when…pooffffffffffffffffft.  You don’t really hear much but the wind on your chin and smell of shit tell you that your desert is basically a shit sandwich.  This could have been your motherfucking soul mate, but you chose to go eat Mexican food, and now you’ll never be able to look at her again without thinking of a big smelly shart.

Salsa Dancing

Going to a dance lesson on a first date says a few things:  For men it says; You’re compassionate, willing to learn, sensitive, and comfortable with your man card.  For women it says; your box is going to be a smoldering compost in less than 30 minutes.  However, if you look like the girl in the pic above it really doesn’t matter, we’ll power through that shit like a turbo diesel in the mud.

Conclusion: Ladies, don’t let him head downstairs face first after any physical dates.  If he tries, warn him.  If he starts to heave because he’s just been hit with the wonderful aroma of dogshit and gym, then be sure to throw out the “I told ya so” card.

Conclusion 2: If you look like the Salsa Dancing chick you can pretty much do whatever you want.

7 Semi Retarded Ads For Your Penis

If you’re a guy, you think your penis is awesome, and you should.  Sadly, females have become fairly choosy in modern society when it comes to the size of the flesh rocket they want to be pounded by.  Some of us who measure in at less than average have turned a curious eye when we see something guaranteed to make ‘it’ bigger and better.   Here are seven somewhat laughable ads that make the less than average man, perform like a stallion.

7) Cialis - Cuba Gooding Jr. used it and his boner tripped someone. Become a 36 hour donkey swinging Casanova now.

6) Erectol XL – Two of these per day and you’ll be bobbing your own knob.

5) Magna RX – The chick moaning was getting nailed by a dude using our pill. Order now.

4) Viswiss – Our pill works while you’re wasted! No more whiskey dick after a night of clubbing.

3) Viagra – Cock push ups are a thing of the past. When you’re on Viagra you can do the ‘cock spin’.

2) Vigorin – If you try to push your junk down after taking 2 of these, your mother fucking heels will come off of the ground. Get Torqued with Viogrin.

1) Xomax – We turned an average Joe into a pussy pounding porn star, buy this shit now.

10 Naughty NSFW Pumpkin Pics

There’s nothing that says ‘Happy Halloween’ better then a jack-0-lantern spreading his ass cheeks so that we can enjoy the sight of his candle lit cornhole.  Here are 10 examples of people who gave their pumpkins a rated R dash of flavor.

Bonus! 2 Pumpkins, 1 Cup

6 Ways the Internet F’s Up Your Life

Most of us wouldn’t know how to function if we woke up tomorrow without access to the internet super webosphere highway of lulz.  Everything from telling coworkers they suck via IM, keeping in touch with family via status update, and firing a giant load without having to open a Playboy are extremely  easy via the net.  We won’t waste our time telling you the countless ways internet makes your life better, we’d rather be negative.

Cyber Sex

Source

Honestly, we can see how black text on a white screen spelling out specific sex acts in extreme detail could be sexy. Maybe. Realistically, what may also be the case is that you just cybered a 400 lb guy with four inches of back-hair. How sexy do you feel now?  If we’re really lucky, your performance was documented by Blood Ninja

You Have No Real Privacy

Source

If you use your real name on the Internet, people can google you, order background reports, search your job history, etc. You only have to reveal it once. Say hello to your new Internet-stalkers and kiss your privacy goodbye. Simple personal privacy is a thing of the past for most people. Go ahead, google yourself. I’ll wait.

It’s 24/7

Source

We’re really into instant gratification and pride ourselves for being in the know, but sometimes it gets out of hand. Social networks on the Internet operate around the clock and you don’t want to miss a beat. How can you sleep before you know the final score? If you’re missing out on sleep or skipping work to screw around on the Internet, you’ve got a monkey on your back. Oh, and like most junkies, you’ll lose everything before you admit you have a problem. That doesn’t mean you’ll stop.

Internet Friends

Source

Are your Internet friends real friends, or are they in a separate, somewhat lower classification of friendship than people you know in real life? Just because you haven’t met face to face doesn’t mean that you don’t know a person very well. Facts are that you may know more about your online-friends — and have a more open relationship with them — than their real-life friends do. However, friendships in cyberspace can also be less fun than setting your hair on fire. Who’s to say if your friend is a pathological liar, or turns out to be a psycho stalker? You never truly know until it’s too late.

Online Dating

Just as true friendships can begin over the Internet, romantic relationships can form just as easily. The Internet’s brought us dating sites, video-chat and even opportunities to arrange booty calls online.  It also upped your chances of becoming involved in a long-distance relationship, and enduring the headaches that come along with one. It takes a lot of love, trust and commitment to keep a long distance relationship going, and it doesn’t hurt to actually have sex with the person, either. You’ll also want that unlimited calling plan while you try to figure out what to do about this mess you’ve gotten yourself into.

Gaming

If you’re looking to compete at even an intermediate level of  online gaming, be prepared to flush hours of your life down the toilet.  Online gaming is nothing like single player gaming.  No one plays a game to have fun on the internet. Once you connect, you’ll be matched up against serious cyberwarriors, and if you don’t want to be the n00b cake everyone toys with, you’re going to need to put in some serious dedication.  Online Gaming has ruined relationships since Duke Nukem 3D was playable on heat.net.  But honestly, if you’re the best, do you even want a GF?  Let’s ask the young man in the figure above.

Next Page »