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Dead body found in closet of all girls high school and SOMETHING is up

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According to this article, the body of a 65-year old man was found in a closet at an all-girls high school in Demarest, NJ. Here’s what we know:

– He was found in a section of the school called the “old theater.”

– He was a contractor for Cablevision.

– He had died recently, relative to the reporting of his body being found.

– The school is called The Academy of Holy Angels.

Now what the media will likely tell us is that the dude was just some lowly cable repair man who accidentally got himself locked in a closet and due to his age, was too feeble to get out. Could’ve happened to anyone, right?

Of all the cable guys to get locked in a closet and die...

Of all the cable guys to get locked in a closet and die…

WRONG! Maybe it’s the conspiracy theorist/horror movie enthusiast in me, but there are way too many red flags for me to rule out foul play just yet. And while we’re at it, let’s take a few seconds to enjoy the fact that the authorities still say “foul play” in an official capacity while investigating potential murders.

I digress.

First, let’s look at the setting. The “old theater” section of The Academy of Holy Angels. If that doesn’t sound like the setting for a ritual murder, I don’t know what to tell you. In fact, any horror writer worth their weight in shrieks would read this and think “Academy of Holy Angels?!? FUCK, that’s good! I wish I thought of it.” And yes, I did say ‘ritual murder,’ because let’s face it, that’s something which is bound to happen if you put enough females in a room for long enough. Yes, yes, I know that’s a sexist thing to say, but it doesn’t make it any less true: put 30 women in a box and before long someone will be ritualistically murdered, and everyone will think they are fat. These are facts.

Also, Cablevision? What is this, 1997? Did our victim step out of a time vortex or did the “old theater” department of the school have a leftover costume which could be used for cover? Plus, even the shittiest cable company keeps a close eye on their employees, monitoring where and when they were dispatched … but no one from “Cablevision” has said a word.

MAYBE ITS BECAUSE “CABLEVISION” DOESN’T EXIST! And you know what? This murderous coven KNEW that by inventing a fake cable company they could avoid a paper trail.

So what do I think happened? It’s rather obvious: After a particularly hEstes debate class emotions were running high, and during the peak of tensions, the one male employee of the school, ol’ janitor Bill walked into the room and mentioned that a portion of the floor felt moist. Since 100% of females are disgusted by the word “moist,” things got out of hand and before they knew it, Bill was locked in a closet as a sacrifice to the pagan god of vocabulary.

There’s basically no other explanation.

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