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Things Not To Say On A First Date

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Dating can be tough especially during the early stages.  Two strangers meeting up based on a slight physical attraction with the hopes that the other isn’t a total psychopath can be very stressful.  It’s hard to just be yourself when getting to know someone and that usually leads to people saying some really stupid things.

Here’s a list of things not to say on a first date.

“The butthole is really just nature’s Pez dispenser.” 

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Yeah, she’s leaving now. Don’t expect a second date either.

“I like to spend time working with the handicapped because you can fart all day long and nobody suspects it’s you.”

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Not sure if the finger-gun thing would help or hurt… well, actually it probably can’t get any worse. Give it a shot.

“(Sniff) Mmmmm… My grandmother used to wear that same perfume.” 

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This is exactly what she is picturing in her head now. I think we are all a little scarred as a result. You’re welcome.

“I reuse my Q-Tips.” 

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Know what you won’t be reusing? Her phone number.

“I just can’t help but think about Concentration Camps on Ash Wednesday.”

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Probably should have let that one rattle around your head a little longer.

“I don’t think of them so much as hemorrhoids but more as Imperial Guards for my Rectal Fortress.”

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If this is her response she’s either your soul mate or she’s gong to murder you.

“Back when I was in Clown College…” 

Pennywise.

You mean when you lived in the sewers of a small town in Maine and ate little children?

“A booger should never end up as a meal, but it can suffice as a snack.”

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If only you could read the review she’s going to Yelp about Match.com after this.

“I’m not allowed near grammar schools.”

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In case you were wondering, she’s not texting anyone… she’s dialing 911.

“I used a bidet once. I thought it was a water fountain.”

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If she were Asian she would now be wearing a surgical mask. Nice job.

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@_PatirckLawlor

Ig: Seriouslyiampatrick

 

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