Things Not To Say On A First Date



Dating can be tough especially during the early stages.  Two strangers meeting up based on a slight physical attraction with the hopes that the other isn’t a total psychopath can be very stressful.  It’s hard to just be yourself when getting to know someone and that usually leads to people saying some really stupid things.

Here’s a list of things not to say on a first date.

“The butthole is really just nature’s Pez dispenser.” 


Yeah, she’s leaving now. Don’t expect a second date either.

“I like to spend time working with the handicapped because you can fart all day long and nobody suspects it’s you.”


Not sure if the finger-gun thing would help or hurt… well, actually it probably can’t get any worse. Give it a shot.

“(Sniff) Mmmmm… My grandmother used to wear that same perfume.” 


This is exactly what she is picturing in her head now. I think we are all a little scarred as a result. You’re welcome.

“I reuse my Q-Tips.” 


Know what you won’t be reusing? Her phone number.

“I just can’t help but think about Concentration Camps on Ash Wednesday.”


Probably should have let that one rattle around your head a little longer.

“I don’t think of them so much as hemorrhoids but more as Imperial Guards for my Rectal Fortress.”


If this is her response she’s either your soul mate or she’s gong to murder you.

“Back when I was in Clown College…” 


You mean when you lived in the sewers of a small town in Maine and ate little children?

“A booger should never end up as a meal, but it can suffice as a snack.”


If only you could read the review she’s going to Yelp about after this.

“I’m not allowed near grammar schools.”


In case you were wondering, she’s not texting anyone… she’s dialing 911.

“I used a bidet once. I thought it was a water fountain.”


If she were Asian she would now be wearing a surgical mask. Nice job.



Ig: Seriouslyiampatrick