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The Worst Places To Take A Dump

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We’ve all been there.  You’re out on the town having fun when all of a sudden your colon shudders like the first time you ate hot sauce on an empty stomach.  A poop has begun.  Your dinner has turned into bubble guts and you can no longer trust a fart.  The clock is now your enemy unless you have a safe place to unleash hell.  Panic sets in.

Pooping in public is a borderline art form when it comes to disease prevention.  Do I build a nest of toilet paper?  Attempt the hover-dump and pray a leg doesn’t cramp?  Do I trust one of those toilet doilies that look like peeled skin after a sunburn?  Well, if you’re in any of the following situations it won’t matter.

Here’s a list of the worst places to take a dump…

At a concert.

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The line getting into hell is probably shorter. You’re definitely screwed.

On an R.V. 

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Everybody on board is now bathing in your broth. Nice job.

At a wake. 

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The upside is that if the smell is particularly awful you can always blame it on the body.

While meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time. 

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Courtesy flush all you want, they’ve already passed their judgment.

During a tailgate.

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Sure, they look clean from the outside but we all know what kind of terrible things happen on the inside.

On a plane.

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No amount of blue sanitizer tablets are capable of successfully masking the sent of recycled Chinese food.

In church. 

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God might forgive you but the rest of the congregation won’t. And everything echoes in church.

While giving birth.

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This is a real thing. Pretty gross, right?

On a hot air balloon ride. 

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The only way this would be cool is if you’ve ever had the desire to shit like a bird.

While in jail. 

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It’s a toilet and a sink. Think about that for a second. You better really trust the plumbing.

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@_PatrickLawlor

Ig: seriouslyiampatrick

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