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Signs That You’re A Weirdo

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Friends come in all shapes and sizes.  Some stick around for the long haul whereas others are only brief characters in your play of life.  They can be funny, serious, wild, unpredictable, any number of adjectives, really.  But everybody has that one friend.  The Weirdo.  And if you’re thinking right now, “Hey, I don’t think I have a weird friend.”  Well, guess what?  It’s you.  You’re the weird friend.  Just embrace it.  Fighting it will only make you come off weirder.  Weirdo.

Here’s a list of signs that you’re a weirdo.

Your dog is afraid of the peanut butter jar.

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I bet there’s been some lonely nights in this household.  You know what you did.

Your bathroom has a glory hole. 

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Your mom said it was only going to be there until she could pay for your college. She lied.

You refer to that lap dance you got once as “a date.”

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Just because it cost you $20 does not make it a date. And it was only for one song.

Your imaginary friend stopped talking to you. 

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He saw what happened between you, the dog and the peanut butter and he just can’t accept it.

You are still proud of your tribal tattoo.  

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We can all agree that it runs across your shoulders but that doesn’t mean it’s not a tramp stamp.

Babies cry when they look at you. 

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“It’s not because I’m weird.” Well, then it must be because you’re ugly… which is also kind of weird.

It’s been longer than ten years and you still have your high school year book on the coffee table. 

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And I bet her date was Jesus.  Get rid of the yearbook… and while we’re at it, that wig too.

You use a handkerchief.  

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You might as well blow your nose into your t-shirt and rub it on your chest.

You know all of the words to the Canadian national anthem.  

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“But what if I’m Canadian, eh?” Well, then you’re weird anyway, eh.

You don’t manscape. 

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This look hasn’t been acceptable since the cavemen discovered fire.

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@_PatrickLawlor

REGRETFULMORNING Writer
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