If you were my liver you’d hate me. Hell, if I were my liver I’d hate me. Unfortunately I don’t treat him very well, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. Thankfully thus far he’s been great to me. But I can’t help but wonder what my liver thinks sometimes. Is he just doing his job? Is he happy to be a part of my never-ending shit show? Would he prefer a more timid, less aggressive, perhaps a bit more responsible host? Well, there’s only one way to find out.
Here’s an interview with my liver.
Me: Hey Liver, thanks for showing up.
Liver: Well, I didn’t really have a choice, but thanks for having me.
Me: Sure, sure. No problem. How are you feeling?
Liver: To be honest… I’m exhausted.
Me: Yeah, sorry about that. It’s been a rough winter.
Liver: You’re telling me. I feel like every time I start to catch my breath you down a bottle of vodka.
Me: Could you imagine? Man, that’d be a shitty existence.
Liver: Yeah, I know. That’s what I’m saying.
Me: But, I mean, it could be worse, right? You could have ended up something awful like my Colon. You know how much I like Mexican food.
Liver: I’ve witnessed the effects and I can’t say I’m envious. But still, maybe you could take a night or two off?
Me: C’mon, have I ever asked you to take a night or two off?
Liver: No, but that’s the problem.
Me: Anyway, what’s your favorite part about being my Liver?
Liver: Honestly, nothing. It’s a pretty terrible job. The hours suck and the pay is garbage.
Me: But you don’t do it for the material gains, right? You do it because you couldn’t see yourself doing anything else.
Liver: Well, I’ve been talking a lot with Spleen and I have to admit that’s a pretty cushy job. He’s borderline useless.
Me: I still have one of those? I thought that got yanked out when I was in the third grad.
Liver: No, that was Appendix. He was a rotten son of a bitch. Nobody down here misses him.
Me: Oh, that’s right.
Liver: Yeah, he sucked.
Me: You think he was mean to you guys? He tried to kill me.
Liver: Technically he tried to kill all of us.
Me: Yeah, I guess you’re right. That would have been an awful way to go, huh?
Liver: For you, definitely. The rest of us probably would have just stopped working.
Me: I think you’re down playing it a bit. Most likely you would have gotten pretty infected first.
Liver: Yeah, I guess you’re right. That wouldn’t have been much fun.
Liver: Wow. Crisis averted.
Me: Totally. Hey, we should celebrate!
Liver: You want to celebrate not dying in the third grade from appendicitis now? That was years ago.
Me: It’s never too late to celebrate not dying.
Liver: Well, I guess. I mean, yeah, what the hell.
Me: That’s the spirit!
Liver: So how do you plan on celebrating?
Liver: God damn it.