Impossible New Year’s Resolutions



It’s the dawn of a new year and with that brings endless opportunities to better yourself. One final night of debauchery to send off 2016 to be followed by waking up and striking the reset button of life through committing yourself to a new year’s resolution. Every year should begin with a new goal, right? Well, here is a list of common, yet unattainable, new year’s resolutions.

Drink less alcohol.


No you won’t.  You know how much fun drinking alcohol is?  Lets just add this to your list of “Nopes.”

Eat healthy.


Does this look healthy to you?  No.  It looks fucking delicious, though.  I’m not giving that up.

Travel more. 


Be honest, you’re broke.  And getting here isn’t cheap.

Spend more time with your family. 


I thought you wanted to drink less.  This will not help.

Try yoga.


Passing out in strange positions is not yoga.

Read more books.


Well, maybe this one is possible.

Exercise more.


Do you really want to listen to this guy give himself a hernia four days a week?

Learn a new language.


The gibberish spoken after four beers and two shots is not a new language.

Become more organized. 


You know that frying pan has been sitting there on the table since last Christmas.

Spend less time on the internet. 


Seriously, that guy knows what he’s talking about.








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