[NOTE: This post, “Thanksgiving Sucks” was written in 2014 by Matt Pass, a former Regretful Morning scribe. Matt, if you’re reading this, drop us a line. We need more shit like this!]

Thanksgiving is about eating too much and seeing distant family members. In other words, Thanksgiving sucks. Nobody wants to see their obscure family members; if we wanted to see them, we would do it more than once a year. “Oh but it’s so hard to find the time and coordinate everybody’s schedule!

Oh yeah? You know what isn’t hard to do? Things you actually want to do. Thanksgiving is a shitty holiday that gets by just because it’s wedged in between the badass Halloween and the fan-favorite Christmas. Even people that actually like Thanksgiving can’t wait to get it out of the way–the grand finale of the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade is Santa Claus.

Have I mentioned that Thanksgiving sucks? Well it does. Here’s why:

#1. It Makes Thankfulness a Once-a-Year Thing

thanksgiving sucks

Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks, which kinda makes it seem like the other 364 days of the year are times to not give thanks. What if we just like, y’know, were always thankful? Thankful for catching a green light on the way to Burger King. Thankful for getting stuck at all the red lights on your way to your job you hate. Thankful for the girl that informs you that you aren’t gonna get laid in those beat up-ass shoes, and proving her point by sleeping with you when you grab some fresh Nikes.

Let’s get rid of the idea that Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks. From now on Thanksgiving is one of many times to give thanks. I’d even settle for Thanksgiving being a time to give a little extra thanks. It doesn’t even have a good real meaning. Like, Christmas is about giving gifts, but it’s also about the birth of Christ.

Thanksgiving, in addition to being about giving thanks, is about colonists reconciling with Native Americans, I guess. Thanksgiving is about the decision to stop being jerks who do shitty awful things. Actually I like that. Thanksgiving is a a time to stop being awful shitty jerk-asses. Pass the gravy.

#2. You Can’t Get Turkey Before or After Thanksgiving

gobbler

You want to eat turkey sometime in the next week? Well your parent (or spouse, or parent-spouse) won’t let you–you’re gonna spoil your appetite for Thanksgiving dinner. Even after thanksgiving is over things don’t immediately go back to normal. Let’s say you’re at Subway with a hankering for the surprisingly non-disgusting turkey BLT.

Don’t waste your money–there’s leftover turkey in the fridge at home. Add some turkey-bacon and slap it on some turkey-bread. Don’t forget to wipe your mouth with a turkey-napkin afterwards, you pig turkey.

#3. Corporations Don’t Care About It

KingReeseTrees

 

Where do we get Thanksgiving decorations? From the attic, that’s where. Nobody sells thanksgiving stuff. The day after Halloween is when stores stock Christmas items (if not sooner). If you go into a store in February and they have Christmas stuff, it is just as likely that they got lazy and haven’t gotten rid of it as it is that they got overly excited for Christmas 2015.

Even candy companies don’t care about Thanksgiving, and Thanksgiving is a holiday that is mostly about eating too much. On November 1st the Reese’s peanut butter pumpkins go in the trash and Reese’s peanut butter christmas trees go on the shelf. There is no Reese’s peanut butter turkey. There isn’t even a Skor bar turkey (probably. Nobody is sure since nobody eats Skor bars) despite the fact that turkey, like a Reese’s, is brown, while pumpkins and Christmas trees are not (unless you keep them until March like the awful family across the street)

#4. Hollywood Doesn’t Even Care About Thanksgiving

Screen Shot 2014-11-20 at 1.30.04 AM

I literally can’t think of even one Thanksgiving movie. Not one that’s been in theaters at least. I’m sure ABC Family and Lifetime (when not making in-flight movies like Aaliyah: the Princess of R&B) have their fair share of original movies on this glorious holiday whose team colors are brown and brownish-orange. Yeah, TV shows have Thanksgiving episodes, but here’s the thing: they suck. There’s literally only two jokes that can be made about Thanksgiving: “fat guy gets even fatter” and “people hate their family members.”

Yeah thats right, I’m calling the family member hating thing hack even though I made a joke about it in the intro to this article. I’m not even ashamed, because it was one of literally only 2 jokes I could have made. The only possible programming that could be relevant is on The Food Network, but even that is kinda silly because [fat guy gets fatter joke].

Yes. Thanksgiving sucks. Enjoy your holiday.

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