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‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ saves a dude’s ass in court

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Fifty Shades of Grey just saved some dude’s ass. I’ll say that again for posterity: the impossibly popular erotic BDSM fiction novel Fifty Shades of Grey just saved the livelihood of a man falsely accused of incestuous rape by his daughter. And if I traveled back in time to just this morning and told my sleepy self that he’d be typing that sentence before the end of the day, the handsome gent would have laughed and laughed and laughed and presumably asked if I did end up going to the gym later as planned.

Fuck yeah, I went to the gym!

Fuck yeah, I went to the gym!

The man was accused of eight counts of incestuous rape over the course of six years, which is the sort of thing that not only gets you put in jail, but gets you killed in jail. The thing is, this man’s attorney (or “barrister” as they say over in London, guvnah!) noticed some striking similarities between the accuser’s words and the text of Fifty Shades of Grey. I’m guessing her allegations were poorly written and comically unsexy … which now that I think about it seems like a pretty good bet when aiming for accuracy in this sort of thing.┬áNonetheless, the barrister brought the similarities up during cross-examination as she grilled the alleged victim, likely slamming her fist down on the desk and screaming “I’ll put the whole system on trial!” And it’s a good thing too. According to the barrister’s herself, the only defense that she could come up with outside of the Fifty Shades thing was “because he didn’t, okay?”

"If I can't hear the accusations, you didn't make them" is often a last resort defense.

“If I can’t hear the accusations, you didn’t make them” is often a last resort defense.

The accuser broke down after just seven minutes of questioning and admitted to making the entire story up in an effort to teach her dad a lesson for being so strict. Jezebel media unavailable for comment.

StaffREGRETFULMORNING Writer
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