The beautiful thing about a bar is it allows you to mingle with all manner of society. In any bar, at any moment, a lawyer could be sitting next to a hobo, or a guy that is only a 3 can stand creepily close to a 9 and smell her hair while she gets hit on by a much better looking guy.
In fact, the phrase “lower the bar” comes from this egalitarian set up…or maybe it doesn’t, I don’t know. I don’t spend my free time at a library. I’m not a nerd. I spend my time at bars, and I am returning back from liver abusing research to report from the front lines of the land of bad decisions and fuzzy memories.
Like any society there are a few standard archetypes you can expect to run into in a busy bar.
The Trojan Whore
Oh she is so nice and interested in what you’re saying, and maybe you have a shot to leave the bar with her. Don’t be fooled, inside this woman is a tiny little broke alcoholic, laughing at your terrible jokes so you’ll keep filling her up with her favorite drink, the one she doesn’t have to pay for. So you buy her a drink and a second and then poof, just like Keyser Soze, she’s gone.
The Solo Schlomo
He shows up to the bar solo, because he has no friends. Well he has his cat, but the cat doesn’t have ID. So when it comes time to try and connect with people in the real world, he heads out to the bar to fuel up on liquid confidence. Once sufficiently lubricated, he will engage any unsuspecting patron in a conversation about the joys of model trains or the excitement of geo-caching. Don’t rely on body language to get out of this conversation.
If he understood how human interactions worked, he wouldn’t be kissing his real doll good night. He is a human tick that, once attached, becomes nearly impossible to remove.
The Sweetie Pie
If the bar is busy and you are waiting on a drink you will almost always end up behind this charming bar-goer. “Can you make me something sweet?” or “I don’t like the taste of alcohol. What can you make me that’ll taste good?” Look, none of us like the taste of alcohol. If we did, we’d cut out all the bullshit and drink straight Everclear.
Instead, we hide the taste of alcohol in delicious beers or in well crafted spirits or possibly with one of the many cocktails that I am currently prepared to order, but can’t because you are weighing the decision between a frozen strawberry daiquiri and a chocolate choo choo. She is the reason women used to banned from bars.
“Dude!! Shots. Who wants shots. Jager bombs bro! Jager bombs! 4, should we get 4. Wait, Hunter and Tab are in, fuck yeah! 6! 6 Jager bombs bro.” At the start of the night you can find this majestic beast at the bar making sure everyone is partying, by the end of the night you can find him with his head in the toilet.
The Bro is a sprinter and very rarely makes it to the end of the night. He’ll spend the next morning scrubbing off the dick one of his dudes drew on his face. Party on bro. Party on.
Want quicker service? Tip your bartender. Want a heavier pour? Tip your bartender. Want to know the name of the cute girl at the end of the bar? Tip your bartender.
This is the most important person in the bar. Always tip your bartender.
About Steve Miller
Regretful Morning’s newest scribe is a professional touring comedian from Tampa, Florida. Relying less on jokes and focusing more on storytelling, Steve deals with topics ranging from his own health (poor) to the political climate (even worse). Steve’s background in improv and theater help him bring a high level of comfort to the stage that translates into a great show.
Tampa’s Creative Loafing magazine named Steve Best Young Comic for 2012 saying, “His loud, opinionated and charming personality is made for the stage.” In 2014 their readers voted Steve the area’s Best Local Stand Up Comedian.
Over the past few years Steve has had the pleasure of sharing the stage with some of comedies biggest names, including Jim Jefferies, Amy Schumer, Kyle Kinane, Brian Posehn and Ralphie May. Steve has been heard on the Bubba the Love Sponge Show, the Mike Calta Show, and Sirius/XM satellite radio, and has been seen on Fox television.