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Hitman turns out to be undercover cop … and then things get weird

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A Boston area man proved himself to be an idiot when he hired an undercover cop posing as hitman to kill his wife. He then proved himself to be wicked retahhhded when he hired another hitman to kill the first one … who also turned out to be a cop.

"Are you a cop? You're legally bound to tell me if you are."

“Are you a cop? You’re legally bound to tell me if you are.”

After deciding on a “trial separation,” Andrew Gordon’s wife decided that she was enjoying her freedom and filed for a divorce. Gordon did not take kindly to the news and told a gun-friendly pal of his that he would pay 15 grand to get rid of a “human nuisance.”

"sorry, but human nuisances are an added fee."

“Sorry, but human nuisances are an added fee.”

His pal called the cops who sent an undercover officer to make the deal. After the officer obtained a photo and bio of Gordon’s wife in a clandestine meeting at a pizza shop (ya know, they way real mobsters do), Gordon was placed under arrest. He was then charged with a litany of felonies, “conspiracy to hilariously fail at crime” not amongst them.

In response to his charges, Gordon asked a local gang member to have the faux-hitman killed. Unfortunately for him, said gang member was also an undercover cop, thus making it okay for us to laugh at Gordon until he cries. Gordon’s attorney alleges that our failed criminal suffers from OCD, and that the pending divorce was such a gross alteration of his routine that it caused him to overreact. Yeah, you say “overreacted,” I say “attempted to pay a hitman to kill someone.” Tomato tomahto.

Hitman, hatman, same difference.

Hitman, hatman, same difference.

He faces a hefty fine and 50 years in prison, but perhaps the judge should watch his back … third time’s a charm.