A Kenyan couple had an unhappy Valentine’s Day weekend after a man attacked his wife’s breasts and then cut off his own penis.
Duncan Moseti, a 24-year-old machete enthusiast, became convinced his wife was having an affair, and thought the best solution was to cut off his manhood.
Kind of like that time my car was getting bad gas mileage, and I set it on fire.
According to the Standard, a Kenyan news website, Moseti was hellbent and convinced that his wife was taking her genitals to another bedroom.
After going to bed, the woman woke up to find Moseti surgically slicing her breasts. Once she screamed for help, he decided to threaten the couple’s baby, then turn himself into a Malibu Ken doll.
She ran for help, but it was too late. By the time she returned, Moseti had already completed his bowling alley circumcision, and was surrounded by a pool of blood.
He had also thrown his dick out the window. (Why is that always the first thing people do when detaching penises?)
Not that he deserved it, but doctors tried to reattach Moseti’s penis, but it was for naught. Likewise, his wife’s cuts were not deep, so she survived with both breasts intact.
It was later reported that Moseti apparently tried to kill himself last year. There’s a good chance he’s gonna feel the same way the next time he approaches a urinal.