Boxer-clad badass stops car thief like he’s John McClane

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car thief

You think you’re a badass? You think you got what it takes to be a man? Well the bar has just been raised by a nameless 25 year old Norwegian man, who prevented the theft of his car in the singular most incredibly badass way possible. His methods were so badass that a police officer said – and I fucking quote – “Bruce Willis wouldn’t have managed that.”

He couldn't even manage a simple cockpit explosion without obvious blue-screening.

He couldn’t even manage a simple cockpit explosion without obvious blue-screening.

So what did our hero do? Well it all began when he awoke to the sounds of his car being broken into. A noise that would cause anyone on the planet to think “hm, car sounds,” before staying in bed until noon caused this young man to spring into action. Clothes? Who the fuck needs clothes?!?! Action Jackson over here was wearing just his boxers when he ran into the cold streets of, um, Norwegia, to confront the thief.

The young man grabbed the door handle and managed to hold on tightly while the thief, now driving, tried to shake him off. This only caused our skivvy-wearing warrior to mount the car and hold on to the roof rack while Johnny Crime raced down the highway at 56 mph.

Which is even faster than the speed of SPEED!

Which is even faster than the speed of SPEED!

The car was eventually brought to a halt by a safety barrier after traveling just a few miles, but it wasn’t the snow that caused it to lose control. The car’s owner shattered the back window with his knee, climbed inside, and wrestled with the driver until he crashed. Did I mention that the temperature was well below zero? Well it was. Feel like a shitty pansy of a man yet? Well you should.

I'm talkin' bout YOU, big man.

I’m talkin’ bout YOU, big man.

Police noted that the success story was certainly an isolated incident, and that nobody should attempt to stop a car thief in such a fashion, but if the films of Bruce Willis have taught us anything, it’s that “isolated incident” is just something pussies say before haphazardly stumbling into multiple thematically similar terrorist attacks/robberies and reluctantly saving the day.

REGRETFULMORNING Writer
REGRETFULMORNING Writer
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