Two men in Deadpool costumes fail at stealing ATM



Either the viral marketing for Deadpool has begun, or Floridians are acting like Floridians again. Last week, two men dressed in Deadpool zip-up mask-hoodies smashed the glass at the front of a Brevard County business and removed an ATM. You’ll notice I said “ATM” and not “ATM Machine,” because to state the latter would be redundant. Kinda like when Will Smith refers to “MIBs” when really the plural of “MIB” (Man in Black) would still be “MIB” (Men in Black). I digress.

"That sequel you think you saw was actually just swamp gas."

“That sequel you think you saw was actually just swamp gas.”

The men attempted to load the machine into the back of a stolen car, but were unable to leave the parking lot and ended up having to leave the ATM behind and be picked up by stupid friend of theirs. How decidedly un-Deadpool of them. I mean, if this were the real Deadpool, he wouldn’t have needed a getaway car. He’d have just stuck around and called the cops fartknockers or something. And honestly, he’d probably not have tried to steal an ATM in the first place. I know that if I were essentially invincible, and blessed with a complete lack of ethics, money wouldn’t really be a concern. But let’s suppose Deadpool does need money. Well, he’d most certainly be able to lift an ATM, or even just break one open on the spot with his muscles and his guns. You know what? The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that these criminals have gone much further than misrepresent Deadpool – they’ve disrespected Deadpool.

Not MY Deadpool.

Not MY Deadpool.

And now I’m mad. You don’t disrespect Deadpool. Not unless you want to be called a fartknocker or something before being brutally murdered. I mean if they dressed like Spider-man, whatever. That sucks, but it’s fine. Spider-Man has already been handily disrespected by Mark Webb. He directed 500 Days of Summer, so the studio gave him Spider-man?!? Are you fucking kidding me?!? Garbage! Garbage, I say!!! They promised us a new origin and then gave us the EXACT SAME FUCKING ORIGIN. Ohhhhhh fuck that. FUCK. THAT. SHIT. And did we even need an origin in the first place? No! The only person who does is this fucking guy:

And last I checked, he was a real jerk! A jerk, I say!

And last I checked, he was a real jerk! A jerk, I say!

Sorry. I’m passionate about Spider-man. We all have our things, and my thing is Spider-man. Anywho, the would-be robbers are still at large, but luckily one of them let his mask-hood fall off and now they have his face on camera. Good. I’m glad. Not only did he not get away with the loot, but there’s a chance that someone will shoot him in his stupid fucking face for what he did to Spider-Man or Deadpool or whatever. I mean would it kill you to give us a Miles Morales movie? Someone please kill these assholes before Sony takes Spider-Man back from Marvel Studios. Fuck you.

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