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The McLobster is Back, and is Apparently Totally a Thing That Exists!

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Despite the fact that we Americans are as poor and fat as we’ve ever been, 2015 marks the first time in 40 years that McDonald’s will be closing more U.S. locations than it opens. While I’m sure this is indicative of a bigger socioeconomic problem of which I’m too poor and fat to find any motivation to understand, there are bigger fish to fry on the McDonald’s front. Well, not fish exactly. I’m talking about fish’s rich friend, Lobster.

 

Pictured here

Meet the McLobster! Then meet the McToilet as you vomit a mixture of bread, lobster, and mayo which no doubt looks disturbingly similar to that pink slime shit that is molded into Chicken McNuggets … delicious, savory Chicken McNuggets.

 

Pop quiz, hot shot. It’s either ice cream or pink slime, and you get to keep it all if you eat one scoop. What do you do?

The treat will be available at New England locations in a matter of days. According to the suits at McDonalds, this item was available in certain markets in the past, and consumers have been asking about it ever since. Kinda like the McRib, only more disgusting, which is a truly terrifying thought given that the McRib is made entirely of impure thoughts which have congealed in the sun.

This sun.

McDonald’s is asking $7.99 for the sandwich, which leads me to believe that when they name the sandwich (McLobster is a working title), it will likely involve the words “artisan” and “craft.” Yet perhaps¬†the most disturbing thing about the pending menu item is that if I lived in New England, I’d totally try it. Thank fuck I don’t live in New England. That would be wicked awful.

Pissah.

Can’t they just bring back the Mighty Wings? Did anyone else try those? Because they were AMAZING.

 

The author is going to spend the rest of his evening trying to remember the taste of McDonald’s Mighty Wings and sadly coming to terms with the fact that the pleasure of their flavor is but a fleeting one, fated to be fading memory of better times. Follow him on Twitter.¬†

 

REGRETFULMORNING Writer
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