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Why Koalas Suck

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Dolphins are the only other species to have sex for pleasure, and if I had to guess, I’d say that koalas are the only other species to have sex for validation because they are just, like, the worst. Sure, they may be quite cute, but they are perhaps to most garbage species in the world (and this is coming from somebody who’s lived in an apartment with cockroaches). Here’s why:

 

#5. All They Do is Eat and Sleep

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Koalas spend about two hours a day eating eucalyptus leaves. This may not sound like a high number until you realize that they spend the remaining 22 hours of the day sleeping.

According to the Australian Koala Foundation, who should perhaps be a bit less honest about the animal’s negative traits, “[E]ucalyptus leaves contain toxins and are very low in nutrition and high in fibrous matter so they take a large amount of energy to digest. Sleeping for long periods is a strategy for conserving energy.”

So it turns out that koalas are taking even less care of themselves than those models who eat tissues to stop the hunger pains.

#4. Baby Koalas Eat Shit

Baby Koala

Just like human babies don’t pop out of the womb and head over to McDonald’s for a Big Mac, baby koalas (or, joeys) aren’t immediately equipped for their diet of eucalyptus leaves and other eucalyptus leaves. They begin their life by eating… well, here’s a quote from the National Wildlife Federation’s kids page:

A joey isn’t born with the “good germs” needed to handle eucalyptus leaves. It has to get them from its mother. How? By eating her poop—sort of. It’s actually called pap. It comes out the same place as poop, but it’s not quite the same thing. Like any baby food, pap is soft and easy to eat. But even more important, it contains the necessary bacteria. Eating pap might sound gross. But it’s the only way a joey can begin a safe eucalyptus diet.

So the next time you’re at the zoo and the koala seems to have a shit-eating grin on his face, remember: he probably isn’t actually grinning. But he did actually eat a bunch of shit.

REGRETFULMORNING Writer
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