DEA Agent Uses Stoned Rabbit Defense Against Pot Legalization


The universal legalization of marijuana seems inevitable. More and more states are realizing that not only is it insanely hypocritical for weed to be banned while alcohol is not, but also that there is a metric fuckton of money to be made out of mandating and taxing and incredibly popular and useful cash crop. However, some people, happy with the depth of their ass in which the stick has been lodged, want to ruin the fun. Perhaps the most deluded person in the fight against logic is Special Agent Matt Fairbanks.

Yeah, him.

You see, Agent Fairbanks recently testified against legalization in Utah, citing that if weed were to be cultivated in Utah, rabbits and other woodland creatures would be stoned all the time. This is far from the dumbest thing Fairbanks has done in his tireless battle against the Devil’s Harvest. Why just recently he raided a senior citizen’s garden for marijuana but ended up seizing a crop of okra. Remember that episode of The Wire where the cops thought they overheard a suspect talking about the murder of his dog thinking he meant “dawg” when he literally meant “dog”? This is just like that, only completely retarded instead of pretty understandable.

Fairbanks claims that he deals only in facts and science, but I think it’s safe to assume he also deals in being a total Turd Ferguson in regards to providing an effective medicine for a host of illnesses. Then again, maybe he’s on to something — Stoned rabbits eat more carrots, thusly gaining powerfully sharp vision. As the carrot crops slowly become depleted and the rabbits become capable of uninhibited night vision they will no doubt begin searching for bigger and better munchies. First carrot cakes, then Oreos, and then…


The author’s biggest fear is being consumed by an animal. The fact that all of his hopes and dreams would be dashed so he could be a few units of nutrients for some Hell-beast is a thought that keeps him up at night. Plus, who would maintain his Twitter?

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