On Sunday night, America tuned in to the 87th annual Academy Awards, and as is expected in our culture of ‘butthurt is the only valid opinion’ people all over the Internet found reasons to advertise how “progressive” they are by getting angry over a litany of non-events. Some were mad that Neil Patrick Harris asked Octavia Spencer to keep an eye on his shitty Oscar-prediction briefcase, citing that it’s racist for a white guy to ask a black lady to do things. Others were mad that Sean Penn asked “who gave this son of a bitch a green card?” before presenting the Oscar for Best Picture to Alejandro IÃ±arritu, forgetting that the two men are friends, IÃ±arritu loved the joke, and that Sean Penn being a general fuckface is nothing new.
Perhaps the most ridiculous case of post-Oscars rage is that which is being beamed at Jason Bateman who, while everyone else was applauding American Sniper, didn’t. The accusation is that his refusal to applaud the movie was a statement against the alleged murky ethics of the film. You see, Bateman must have known that the cameras would cut to him at that exact moment, and by steadfastly refusing to clap, he could promote awareness of the “Jason Bateman Didn’t Care For American Sniper Foundation,” a charity of which he is very proud. Or, ya know, maybe after having to applaud every 8-10 seconds for the last four fucking hours he just, well, didn’t.
Sadly, since today’s activists have forgotten the root word of their collective title, they assumed that everybody else attempts to manifest change in the same way they do: by loudly doing nothing at all. But who knows? Maybe Bateman didn’t like American Sniper and really was refusing to applaud it, in which case, I still don’t give anything even remotely resembling a fuck.
Grow up, America. Having thin skin never helped anyone but junkies, and they generally suck. Don’t be junkies, you guys. And if you absolutely must be mad at something (which is relatively understandable considering that society has dictated that anyone who isn’t mad is a racist/rapist/homophobe/terrorist/right wing/left wing/Nazi/Republican/Democrat/pedophile), please refer to my list of things about the Oscars to be mad at:
1. Nothing. Go do something with your life other than feigning offense to obtain validation. Pussy.
The author live tweeted the Oscars ceremony, and if you follow him now, you can see the tweets where he suggested that Benedict Cumberbatch looks like a crash test dummy, Melanie Griffith looks like the girl Gremlin, and Viola Davis is perfectly beautiful.Â