4 Best Winter Things


Winter sucks. Your car windows are always frozen shut, your dong shrinks (even though it’s normally, like, totally huge) and of course there’s the constantly looming threat of abominable snowmen.

This is my hell.

This is my hell.

But being grumpy about it isn’t going to help, so in the spirit of new year’s resolutions, I’m gonna be optimistic about this, and share with you some of the bright side of cold weather:


#4. It’s Okay to Be Lazy

Winter is the only time it’s universally acceptable to lay in bed and watch Netflix all day. Nobody is going to nag you to wash your car in the middle of the snow storm. Nobody is going to tell you that you should be jogging, and nobody is going to make you build them a fleshlight out of Lego (although that isn’t really because of the winter weather).

"Close enough."

“Close enough.”

Sure, somebody occasionally asks me to shovel, but that’s not gonna happen–how am I gonna go to the store to buy a shovel if I can’t shovel myself out of the driveway? I’ll be staying inside.

#3. Heaters

Heaters rule. I love summer, but sitting by a heater when it’s cold outside feels better than laying in the sun when it’s nice out. Fire are cool too but only for short periods of time, because they either get too hot or refuse to stop spitting embers on you.

This was my high school bully.

This was my high school bully.

Heaters are one example of the artificial being better than the natural. Another example would be banana flavored candy. I love me some bananas but, yo, those yellow Laffy Taffys are my shit.

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