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“Comfyballs” Can’t be Sold in America Because We’re Prudish Children

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A Norwegian underwear company was denied an American patent on their product, Comfyballs, because the name was too vulgar. What are Comfyballs? Just a type of men’s underwear which allow for more breathing room around your, well … you get it.

How about now? Do you get it now?

Sadly, because America has very backwards views on what is offensive, the name Comfyballs will not fly. The Human Centipede 3 comes out this year, did I mention that? Anywho, despite being the absolute best name for a product that promotes ball comfort, if they want to release it in America (which me and my balls hope they do), they’ll have to find a new moniker.

No, I said “moniker”

This got me thinking about the way we market products here in the land of the surveilled and offended. Think about it. We use cartoon bears to illustrate the idea that one brand of toilet paper is the most absorbent. What are we, a nation of fucking 5 year-olds? We ALL know why good toilet paper is important, and it’s not because it makes animated woodland creatures happy. Why can’t we just have ads that say things like “This toilet paper is durable and prevents you from getting poop on your hands” or “these tampons soak up period blood better than other tampons”?

Twice as absorbent as our leading competitor!

Or…
Condoms: Keep your semen out of her vagina.
Or…
Douches: Get old poops out of your butt.
Or…
Talcum Powder: Kills swamp-ass dead!
Or…
Too old to control your bladder? Adult diapers allow you to pee in public, secretly.
Or…
Pussy stank? Pussy wipes!

Honesty! That’s all we need. You want comfier balls? Slap on a pair of Comfyballs! It’s simple, really. I want a pair of Comfyballs, as I’m sure most men do. Ball discomfort is a real issue, and one that isn’t addressed commonly. I just hope they make them in XXL so I can fit my giant hog in there.

The author may or may not be telling the truth about his ‘hog’, but might send you a dick pic on Twitter if you follow him. And he’ll definitely be talking about his wonderful dick on Super Crappy Funtime and I Like to Movie Movie.

 

REGRETFULMORNING Writer
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