I once had a roommate whom, if given the opportunity to do so without consequence, I would have happily killed. He was unemployed, filthy, and super demanding about household upkeep, despite the fact that he didn’t do any of the upkeep and I was paying much of his rent. He also used to drink all of my beer and deny it even though he’d be the only one home, drunk, and surrounded by a ton of empty beer bottles. MY beer bottles. He didn’t even throw them out! He was too busy not paying his fucking rent. I digress.
Pictured: Better roommate
My point is, I understand the desire to murder a roommate, and I’m sure I’m not alone. It’s perfectly natural to feel homicidal towards a cohabitant. What separates the normies from the crazies however, is that the crazies actually try to commit murder. Crazies like Melissa Dawn Sellers.
When Ms. Sellers discovered that her roommate threw out her spaghetti and meatballs, she lit his ass on fire. There are no details as to how old the food in question was, but I wish there were, because my shitty old roommate used to get mad when I threw out his food … even though it was covered in stinky green fuzz 10 times out of 10. He also used to use my beard trimmer to shave his pubes even though I explicitly told him not too. Oh, and you’d think a Gold Bond factory exploded every time he used the bathroom. Fucking animal, this one. I’m getting worked up just thinking about it. He was such a shit bag. I digress again.
Pictured: Better roommate. Won’t eat my food.
Aaaanywho, apparently Ms. Sellers was drinking (explanation, not excuse) when she found out her p’sghettis were missing, so she dumped nail polish remover on her roomie and set him alight with a cigarette
. I like to imagine that she left a trail of nail polish remover on the floor and flicked her cigarette from across the room like Cyrus the Virus in Con-Air, but based on her photo, it’s more likely she sloppily ignited him, lit the wrong end of her next cigarette, shat out three kids she didn’t know she was pregnant with, and continued being disowned by her parents.