If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent the last week or so worrying that you’d die before getting to see The Avengers: Age of Ultron. Seriously, if I die before that movie comes out, and my life’s work doesn’t contain at least one viewing of that movie, all of y’all are getting haunted. And not one of those pussy-ass The Haunting hauntings, no, I’m going full-on The Shining. I’ll haunt so hard that you’ll end up attempting to kill your whole family and then freezing to death in a hedge maze. THATS how much I want to see this movie.
Oftentimes when faced with a movie for which I am this excited, I’ll tell others that I’m having “total movie bonerz right about now” which is just a man-child’s way of saying “I’d like to see this movie, and how.” While I’ll freely admit that my love to for The Avengers: Age of Ultron is borderline sexual, there are others who have touted real, overtly sexual feelings towards the titular villain, Ultron, voiced by the decidedly un-sexy James Spader.
Or is he sexy? I don’t know. I have a hard time ranking that sort of thing. Apparently, if the internets are to be believed, James Spader is behind the slight dampening of millions of office chairs. Furthermore, when you put his voice into a robot that has assembled itself from discarded Iron Man suits, those damp chairs become soaked, and human resources is going to be pissed.
Listen, I’m all about fucking robots. People have been doing it for years (for real, what is a vibrator if not a fuckbot with the unnecessaries removed?), but Ultron? Really? Based on a collective 8 seconds of footage? Ladies, if you’re gonna fuck a robot, there are sooooooo many better options than Ultron. You could fuck a:
– Michael Fassbender in Prometheus
– Lance Henriksen in Alien
– Jude Law (but not Haley Joel Osment) in A.I.
– Optimus Fucking Prime
I could go on forever, and I really could have stopped at Terminator. Color me insensitive, but the stereotype of “chicks dig bad dudes” is doubly fulfilled when the dude in question is a sentient interface hell bent on destroying earths mightiest heroes.
Buuuuut if I’m being honest, even as a heterosexual male, I would totally fuck an Ultron for the story, although I’d rather have a She-Hulk.
If you know any single She-Hulks, please reach out to the author on Twitter @DanScully. If not, you should still follow his blog, and listen to his podcasts I LIKE TO MOVIE MOVIE, and SUPER CRAPPY FUNTIME.