Tim Burton’s ‘Mary Poppins’ Doesn’t Star Johnny Depp, Like at All

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Believe it or not, there was a time when Tim Burton was a respected filmmaker. He would add visual flair to original stories and cast a variety of talented actors to play in his wonderful world. Now, he just takes children’s movies and adds spirals. And Johnny Depp. But it seems his streak is about to break. While Mr. Burton is certainly continuing to make utter crap, his retelling of Mary Poppins (presumably with creepier trees) will NOT feature Johnny Depp. That must’ve been awkward:

-Hey Johnny, congrats on your new wristband. It’s really cool.

~Thanks Tim. It makes me forget that I’m 50.”

-So I’m remaking ‘Mary Poppins’. The actors in the original just aren’t pale enough, like us.

~Oh really? So who do I get to play? Mary Poppins? The chimney sweep? Myself?

-Actually, you aren’t in it.

~Not even in a supporting role?

-Not even in a supporting role.

~Fuck you, Tim.

In the mirror behind Tim Burton, we see that Johnny Depp casts no reflection. Tim Burton, realizing that Depp was just a manifestation of his horribly dated idea of ‘cool’, buries his face in his hands and pretends that it makes him deep.

It should be noted that while writing this blog, the news broke that the story was just an Internet hoax and we are all being spared what was sure to be a complete fucking disaster. But since I am very found of the fake conversation I just wrote, I’d really like to move forward with this piece. So in recompense for bad mouthing Mr. Burton at a time when it is somewhat less deserved than usual, I present this photo of him with Batman:

So jealous he got to meet Batman

Dan Scully doesn’t hate ALL Tim Burton movies, just the ones that dont have Batman or Pee-Wee in them. He also likes to tweet @DanScully, and wax philosophical on his blog. While you’re at it, check out his podcasts I LIKE TO MOVIE MOVIE, and SUPER CRAPPY FUNTIME! 

REGRETFULMORNING Writer
REGRETFULMORNING Writer
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