Red Bull is paying out a 13 million dollar lawsuit to anyone who has used their product in the last 12 years. Why is Red Bull, the closest thing we have to a space program, being so generous with its money? Because, according to one ludicrously literal litigant, they’ve been falsely advertising since day one.
That’s right, Red Bull, despite its claim, does not give you wings. Apparently it doesn’t give you brains either. Totes realsies, if you drink Red Bull (henceforth referred to as Rebble) every day with the intention of becoming everyone’s least favorite X-Man, you deserve the heart attack that is headed your way.
While 13 million sounds like a huge settlement, its no reason to get excited, seeing as how the lawsuit can essentially be paid out to EVERYONE ON THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET, making each individual’s share roughly nothing. Honestly, I’d rather just get a coupon for a free Rebble. No wait, fuck that. I want Rebble to mail me a can of Rebble. Screw coupons.
Can you imagine the slimy lawyer who took this case? I picture an eternally sweaty, red-faced, bald but for his gray side-hair, which is grown long so he can run his stubby, heavily golden-ringed fingers through it while he drives his Lexus to his beach house, grump who has so much damn money that he doesn’t even take cases for monetary gain so much as he does for the power trip of taking money from other people. I don’t know what color his eyes are, because I picture them as dollar signs, having morphed from normal eyeballs at the sight of an angry, caffeinated, wingless BMX-douche with more tattoos than values and a retainer fee. It’s sickening.
Sorry, I’m rambling. I had like 3 Rebbles today.
Dan Scully is a writer from Philadelphia with an unholy addiction to caffeine and a penchant for oddly colored animals. He can be found trolling celebrities and posting unpopular opinions on twitterÂ @DanScully, and doing so in longer form on hisÂ blog.