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Hawking to Science: Please Don’t Destroy the Universe

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Attention particle scientists! STOP FUCKING WITH THE HIGGS-BOSON PARTICLE! Why? Because Dr. Stephen Hawking has advised against it, and since he’s the closest thing we have to a real-world Robocop, you should probably listen. Plus, he doesn’t want to eye-type it into his Speak and Spell 2000 a second time.

"Control alt delete! CONTROL ALT DELETE!!!"

“Control alt delete! CONTROL ALT DELETE!!!”

The Higgs-Boson particle, also known as the God particle, is one of those science-y things that I love to think about, which is odd since I know nothing about what it is. A God particle? Dafuq? I mean, I guess I don’t really believe in God in the classic sense, ya know? Like some big bearded dude on a cloud who hangs out with Santa and throws lightning? No, nothing like that. I mean like God could totally be … uhhh … this shoe over here (Editor’s note: the author is holding a shoe), or even just like a feeling you have or, like, God could totally be a particle, man. Either way, Stephen Hawking says that if we over-energize the God particle, space and time could collapse on itself and we “would not see it coming.” This is terrifying news, especially since it’s coming from a man who is half iPad. Sometimes I wonder if maybe Hawking is dead and his computer has become sentient and is just parading his corpse around Weekend at Bernie’s style just to get into cool science parties where you KNOW Neil DeGrasse Tyson is gettin FUCKED UP! Sounds crazy, I know, but not as crazy as say, a God particle. I digress.

"...cuz your ass is out of this WORLD, girl!"

“…cuz your ass is out of this WORLD, girl!”

Currently, we don’t have the technology to make this potential super-apocalypse happen as of yet, but the Apple Watch came out this week, so we’ve gotta be pretty fucking close.

Hey! Tweeting makes me feel like Stephen Hawking, only less smart. Not that much less tho. Anywho, read em hurrrr @DanScully