4 Types of People Who Don’t Use Facebook

After high school I noticed a trend of friends using pseudonyms on Facebook: instead of their last name, they would use their middle name. Okay, so it’s not really a fake name. It’s like a pseudo-pseudonym. A practice that, to the best of my knowledge, was to prevent prying employers and family members from discovering the naughtier bits of their life. You know what I do? I don’t take pictures of myself smoking beer or drinking crack or whatever these people are afraid of. If you don’t want people to think you’re a shitty person, just stop being a shitty person. Or at least stop posting photographic evidence of said shittiness.
Not having a Facebook is like not having a phone. In fact I know more people that don’t have cell phones than people who don’t have face books. Sure you’re going to see a lot of uninformed political opinions, and a few too many memes. But every once in a while you’ll randomly get a friend request that makes you say “oh! oh shit! that person! Yes I remember that person and would love to catch small glimpses into their life a few times a week!” Plus Facebook messenger is a godsend when you think of something important to say to somebody at 3am. It’s inappropriate to call or text at such an hour, but a Facebook  message will non intrusively  wait in your friend’s inbox until it’s convenient to check. And yet some people still won’t submit to conformity and get on Facebook like everybody else. Why? Well, maybe because…

#4. They’re a Cheater

A few summers ago I met and became quite fond of a girl who was on vacation. I thought it was odd that she didn’t use Facebook, but I was more naive then, and happily assumed that her beach house didn’t have internet access. What did I care anyway? This cute girl had expressed interest in me–plus she seemed kinda easy–it was going to be a good summer! It wasn’t. As the summer progressed it became harder and harder to earn her undivided attention. I suspect that she had a boyfriend waiting for her back at wherever it was that she came from. And I know that she was banging a handful of other men (and women) within our lovely beach town.
Had she used a Facebook, myself and her other suitors would have seen that she was indeed in a relationship, and that may have deterred at least some of us. Additionally, some of the people vying for her affection surely would have added her on Facebook and posted suggestively on her wall, which her unfortunate boyfriend would have been unhappy to see (though would have admittedly been better off finding out sooner rather than later). Being slutty works out very well for you–until everybody finds out about it.
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