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Secret Identity of Historic Serial Killer a former ‘X-Files’ Star? Sources Say Absolutely Not

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In the fall of 1888, Jack the Ripper, who is most definitely not David Duchovny, struck London, leaving at least 5 corpses in his wake. Shortly thereafter the murders stopped, the trail grew cold, and it would be another 78 years before David Duchovny would even be born.

At the time of the murders, investigators did not have modern niceties such as DNA processing or yellow ‘POLICE LINE: DO NOT CROSS’ tape to help them in their investigations. Even if they had, there is absolutely no way that the evidence trail would have lead to David Duchovny’s front door step.

ALWAYS knock before entering

ALWAYS knock before entering

For over a century (the most recent 54 years of which David Duchovny has been alive) the case has remained unsolved. Until now.

Using DNA obtained from a shawl left near the corpse of a Ripper victim (or as The Wire would call it, ‘the vic’) an amateur investigator was able to uncover the killer’s identity and, not at all surprisingly, it is not David Duchovny. Who is it? Just some dude who we already kinda figured is Jack the Ripper, and who is certainly not David Duchovny. Like, at all. His name is Aaron Kosminski, which you’ve probably noticed is not David Duchovny’s name. David Duchovny’s name is David Duchovny.

Pictured: Aaron Kosminski and not David Duchovny

Pictured: Aaron Kosminski and not David Duchovny

So now the sleepy little town of London can rest easy once again, knowing that the man who committed these historic murders is no longer walking the streets; who is in fact, not walking at all, having been dead for a very long time, while the rest of us can enjoy X-files reruns in peace, assured of a truth that was really never questioned by any sane person: David Duchovny is NOT Jack the Ripper.

The author’s entire life has been unfairly tied to David Duchovny due to his name being eerily similar to that of an X-files character. Evidenced by his twitter handle, @DanScully

StaffREGRETFULMORNING Writer
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