6 Awful Cooking Hacks from Cosmopolitan

Cosmopolitan has long been the publication of choice for girls who want to be told to look more like the women on TV and a source of information on how to drive your man crazy (it’s usually by touching his dick). They are now branching out to cooking tips in the form of life hacks. Life hacks are great: they provide key bits of life-changing information, but instead of explaining themselves with paragraphs, they are often but a picture with some bold white text plastered onto it. Sounds great, right? Wrong. The following are real tips published by Cosmo (here and here) that seem to attempt to dispel rumors that women are good only for cooking and sex (and are rather only good for sex).

#6. Cook a Week’s Breakfast (All at Once)

eggs every morning

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the thought of a girlfriend cooking me breakfast. Her heart is in the right place. I just can’t stand the smell of a home cooked meal, the taste of fresh ingredients or the appearance of gooey scrambled eggs. I’m sure most of you will agree with me here: I want my hand crafted breakfast to resemble assembly-line fast food as much as possible. I’m talkin’ week old refrigerated scrambled egg patties formed into perfect discs–just like mom was too courteous to make. That’s why Cosmo recommends you dump an entire carton of eggs into a cupcake tray and baking them in the oven for 20 minutes at 350 degrees–yum!

#5. Make Your Own (Dangerous) Spoon

yogurt spoon

When eating yogurt, Cosmo recommends crafting the foil lid into a spoon. This is brilliant! In the past I have always been disappointed after eating yogurt, and I now realize that it was because eating the stuff had provided no risk of cutting up my mouth.

And fingers.
And fingers.

#4. Microwave EVERYTHING (and Put it in Weird Containers)

microwave eggs mug

Okay, let’s say that you want to cook some scrambled eggs, but you don’t want to cook an entire week’s worth (because the infections in your cut up mouth have gotten pretty bad and, well, we don’t even know if you’re gonna be alive next week). Time is precious! You don’t have 3 minutes to spend standing around stirring scrambled eggs over a stove. Put that shit in a coffee mug and microwave it for a minute!

Want some pancakes with your egg? You didn’t have time to cook the egg, so you certainly don’t have time to slave away over some pancakes. Fuck that, put them bitches in the microwave!

microwave mancakes

Alright, now I could sit here and tell you 15 other things that are able to (but probably shouldn’t) be cooked in the microwave but, well, Cosmo already published that exact article.

#3. The Perfect Peanut Butter Banana Sandwich

peanut butter banana

Wait what the fuck? What is this, Cosmopolitan or White Trash Weekly? One time I got drunk and ate a Slim Jim wrapped in a piece of american cheese and that doesn’t even seem embarrassing after seeing the above monstrosity. What exactly was their thought process here? “Bananas aren’t quite as phallic once they’ve been cut up… is there a way we could retain the penis resemblance while perhaps also allowing for the possibility of puns about buns? Oh there is?”

#2. Freeze Weird Things

Screen Shot 2014-09-08 at 2.48.42 PM

Got some leftover soup broth? Freeze it for later! But what sort of container shall we freeze it in? An ice cube tray, obviously. See, that way when your husband tries to put ice in his mid-morning whiskey it’ll be all soupy. Whoops!

Now let’s say you’ve got some leftover wine that you want to save to cook with later. Dump it in a plastic back and freeze it! This way when your now well trained husband tries to make himself some soup, he will instead suck down a load of hot white wine. Accidental day-drinking FTW!

#1. Use an Envelope as a Funnel


Oh goddamnit. This is White Trash Weekly, isn’t it?

I thought this was taken from “18 Incredible Kitchen Hacks” but I  may have accidentally clicked on “18 Tips for Being the Most Embarrassing Wife You Can Be.”

You don't even wanna know what she uses the real funnel as.
You don’t even wanna know what she uses the real funnel as.

Matt Pass is a standup comedian. Follow him on Twitter and tumblr for more fun!