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Are you about to get into an argument on Facebook or some other social media platform? Is there a comment thread getting longer and longer and filling up with the types of opinions that you can’t stand? Are you convinced that the only way the world will see reason is if you step up to the plate and shower these assholes in brilliance? Yep, that’s how it all begins, and you’re not alone. Every single person on that feed feels the same way as you do, but luckily for you, I have compiled a handy dandy guide on how to emerge the winner! Just follow these five steps and you will be able to clear the path of dissenters so that no one can challenge your pristinely logical beliefs ever again.

1: Convince Yourself You’re Oppressed

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Money is old and busted. If you want to show worth in today’s society, being oppressed is where it’s at. Think to yourself: what experiences have I had that can qualify me as a victim of oppression? It can really be anything at all (I like to claim my status as a lefty, and use it to accuse others of “right privilege”) and you don’t even have to provide proof! Just loudly (ALL CAPS IF YOU’RE FEELING SASSY) declare that you are a victim and that anyone who questions it is a baby-rapist dressed as Hitler. Sounds unreasonable, but reason is for actual conversations. This is an important step to winning a Facebook argument, because once you’ve established yourself as a victim, you can’t lose. You may not win, per se, but you, like Parker Lewis, CAN’T lose. The figurative victim cards are just like Mana cards in Magic: The Gathering, without them, there’s not much you can do but wait for your enemy to wear him/herself out.

Shake like a butterfly, shake like a bee

Shake like a butterfly, shake like a bee

So you’ve got your oppression Mana ready. What’s next? Research your argument? NOPE…

 

2: NEVER Provide Information to Back up Your Argument

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Repeat after me: “Statistics regarding blank are NOTORIOUSLY unreliable!” It’s really that easy. The last thing you need to do is provide a fact for your enemy to refute. They’ll start thinking they’ve won! This will not fly, so it’s up to you to make sure that any evidence that is contrary to your position is handily discredited with the aforementioned statement. Bonus points: if their exhibits come from Wikipedia, you can scoff that Wikipedia, due to its open-forum editing, is laughably unreliable (despite the fact that, for the exact same reason, it’s been proven to have less errors than Encyclopedia Britannica). Laugh loud and hard at their assertion that these facts cannot be denied, because that’s the key to step 3.

3. Mockery and Vilification

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How dare this person value their … uh … values higher than your fragile emotions?!?! Don’t they know how oppressed you’ve been today? This argument is all about YOU, because YOU said so and you’re important! This slimy fuck is not deserving of mercy! Tear into this bastard like he/she’s a Slim Jim and you’re Randy “Macho Man” Savage!

Snap into a persons belief system!

Snap into a person’s belief system!

Nothing is off limits — age, weight, religious beliefs, race, gender, physical appearance, the fact that you fucked their mom last night but it wasn’t any good because her breath smells like Oscar the Grouch’s taint — literally anything goes. At this point, your mark will likely leave the feed, and you will have won by elimination. However, in an age of angry computer battles being fought by people who would shit themselves at the prospect of having an argument face to face, you can’t be too sure. A small percentage of seasoned social media warriors, who are ignorant to the amount of oppression that you’ve experienced, might question as to why you’ve decided to to be aggressive. This is where those victim cards come in handy. Lay them out on the table and declare that their failure to understand your plight is exactly what makes them a baby-rapist dressed as Hitler. If they weren’t such a baby-rapist dressed as Hitler, they’d see that childish name calling was your ONLY recourse.

You're all growed up!

You’re all growed up!

Now that you’ve got them completely confused and frustrated, they will likely reflect your insults. When your enemy drops a big “Wow. FUCK THIS. You are a piece of shit. I’m fucking out,” you’ve won! Congrats! Tack a “feeling accomplished” on to your next status update. But don’t sign off just yet. There’s still work to do! This argument is on Facebook for an eternity, which is why you must…

4: Get Butthurt

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Let all of your seething vitriol fade away, and make room for confused sadness. How could someone, with whom you were merely having a good old fashioned debate, stoop so low as to curse at you? You were being reasonable and kind, like an adult, when they had to start slinging mud. Typical baby-rapist dressed as Hitler behavior. This is why honest conversations about blank can never be had in this country. The argument could have all been avoided if they just admitted what you already know: that you are right, and they are a baby-rapist dressed as Hitler. The ONLY reaction to this type of ignorance is sadness (but secretly, you’re not sad. You’ve won!). Think of this step as damage control. Some random internet passerby might take your comments out of context and agree that you’re a piece of shit. Sadness and confusion will blur the lines enough to keep your online identity intact. This also helps if you happen to awkwardly run into your opponent in real life. Now that you’re so emotionally shattered, you have no reason to even acknowledge them, much less have an actual human discussion with them.

"Yoink! TOO SLOW! Don't talk to me."

“Yoink! TOO SLOW! Don’t talk to me.”

And if all of this is too much work, just skip straight to step 5

5: TROLL

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I’ll leave this up to you. Some people like a ‘goatse’ or a ‘tub girl’, while others prefer a ‘lemon party’. Me? I prefer to act really confused about the topic at hand, all while earnestly offering color commentary. It enrages the folks who take the thread seriously because they can’t decide whether I’m dumb or just being dumb. Really, trolling is up to you. The main point is for you to enjoy yourself. The more a troll disregards the emotions of others, the funnier it is. Your methodology here is the same as if you were to actually participate in the argument: everything is about you and only you because you are the most important person in the world and anyone who disagrees is clearly a baby rapist dressed as Hitler.

Now type in your password, put your dukes up and get to fighting! NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU.

 

Look, it's you. Nothing matters but you.

Look, it’s you. Nothing matters but you.

PS: if you don’t know what ‘goatse’, ‘tub girl’, or ‘lemon party’ are, I highly recommend you google it. No, fuck that. BING IT.

Dan Scully, despite being a child of privilege, ALWAYS wins arguments because who’s gonna stop him? You? Don’t make me laugh, dick. But if you wanna come at me, bro, do it onĀ twitter

 

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