Between one and three times each year there occurs a Friday the 13th. For some arbitrary bullshit reason we have decided that this day is haunted or something. I really don’t understand where this odd association began, but the internet, as convenient as it is, is too much work, and I don’t feel like researching. You do it if you care so damn much. While you’re at it can you please try and figure out why Thursday the 12th is any less haunted? Saturday the 14th sounds spooky too, so inquire about that as well. Since I hate research and I love movies, I’d much rather talk about the film franchise Friday the 13th.
With twelve movies over three decades, Jason Voorhees has become one of cinemas most enduring villains. From his iconic hockey mask to unique breed of slut-shaming (see also: jock shaming), this spree killing maniac has somehow become our hero. Let’s take a look back at some of his finest moments.
Friday the 13th
Listen, I know it was Mama Voorhees and not Jason who was behind the murders of the first chapter (spoiler alert?), but any article about this franchise MUST come complete with a mention of Kevin Bacon. Yes, Kevin Bacon gets speared through the neck with an arrow, and it is glorious. By the associative property, we can deduce that Pamela Voorhees could beat a Graboid from Tremors in a fight.
Friday the 13th Part 2
They say that you shouldn’t hit a guy with glasses. From here we can reason that it’s poor form to hit a guy in a wheelchair. Luckily for us, Jason disagrees and goes so far as burying a machete in a handicapped man’s face. Not only is it an exceptional show of cruelty, but it’s a great opportunity to have a dead man literally roll into next scene, effectively scaring the next set of victims. Quite the showman Jason can be.
Friday the 13th Part 3
Putting the third entry of a franchise in 3D is not a new thing. In fact, F13 (as it will henceforth be called) was one of the progenitors of this phenomena. Who better to embrace this gimmick than the man responsible for making so many body parts fly? Jason is the only slasher heavy capable of squeezing someone’s eyeball out of their head, which is exactly what he does.
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
Despite being the “final” chapter, we’re only a third of the way through the series at this point. We’re not even in space yet (spoiler: space)! Anywho, if Biff Tannen were a real person, and he should be, F13TFC would be his favorite entry, by far. Why? Because Crispin “George McFly” Glover gets a corkscrew in the hand and a cleaver to the face, courtesy of our boy Jay-V. Ooh that’s good. Yeah, I’ll be calling him Jay-V from now on.
Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning
When I was a small child, in the days before parental controls, I happened across this scene on my family TV. It haunts me to this day. Every time I think about it, I have to touch my eyes to make sure they’re still there. Anytime I’m leaning on a tree, I immediately scare myself into thinking that Jason will appear, wrap a belt around my face, and squeeze it so tight against the tree that my skull is crushed. Technically, this chapter features a copycat killer inspired by Jason (ya know, since the last entry was the final chapter), but I think we can at least give Jay-V the assist.
Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives
What does it take to bring Jason back? Lightning. Yeah, that’s fine, I’ll take it. I’ll also take another heaping helping of face smashing. I’m not the type of guy who gets tired of face smashes, but since a lot of folks are, Jay-V has decided to get artistic. Instead of exploding his victim’s head, he pushes it through the wall of an RV. Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood
Being the last movie I ever rented on a VHS tape, F13TNB has a special place in my heart. It also holds the distinction of being the first appearance of what would become one of Jay-V’s signature moves. I’d like to shake the hand of the screenwriter who saw a franchise filled with sleeping bags and thought “let’s have Jason pick up an inhabited sleeping bag and smash it into a tree.” The audible crunch is intensely satisfying, and I now have a more interesting excuse to avoid sleeping bags than “but it’s all sweaty in there”.
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
Despite only spending about twenty minutes in Manhattan (the bulk of the movie is on a boat), the eighth entry in the series has perhaps my favorite kill in the entire franchise. Jason is being pummeled by an amateur boxer on a rooftop (just go with it), when the boxer starts to run out of steam. This asshole has Jason literally on the edge of the building, ready to fall off (presumably) to his death, when he decides to let Jay-V take one, sporting shot. Jason punches his head off. This never would have happened to Rocky.
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday
That’s a lie. There are plenty more Fridays to come. Honestly, this movie, short of its utterly mind blowing finale, is a huge turd. Instead of having Jason go on another killing spree (a formula that has been working since day one), instead he is now jumping from body to body, possessing others to kill for him. It’s lame as shit, but at least a dude gets stabbed in the head with an autopsy probe and then mashed into a floor grate, causing his face to shred into pieces that would melt easily over nachos.
Just like his buddy, The Leprechaun, Jason heads to space because … I don’t know. Shut up. Do you really want to live in a world where this doesn’t exist? Well I don’t, so sit back down. In this chapter, Jay-V gives a woman a swirly in some liquid nitrogen, and then shatters her frozen head on the counter. It made everyone in the theater (see: me) cringe, laugh, and start to realize their high is running out. It is also the only slasher kill to be featured on Mythbusters. If you must know, it was busted. Sorry to burst your bubble, but Jason X isn’t scientifically accurate.
Freddy vs Jason
Fuck Freddy. Jason takes the cake any day of the week (but especially Friday). Ten years after being teased at the end of Jason Goes to Hell, these two horror heavies finally meet up and duke it out. But before that, Jason goes on a killing spree at a rave, which he kicks off by snapping a dude’s neck in a way that could only be described as “playful”.
Friday the 13th
Since the F13 franchise has a pretty strict template(boobs + Jason + murder), a reboot is pretty hard to fuck up. And you know what? They nailed it! And this bitch gets cooked over a campfire in her sleeping bag. Awesome.
Congrats for surviving this spooky day. Why not relax with a movie or two? Or twelve. Come to think of it, the next entry will be super easy to title.
Also on Regretful Morning: An Open Letter To Jason Voorhees