The Friday the 13th films are probably my favorite series of documentaries. With today being friday the 13th, I figured it would be an ideal time to submit an open letter to the alluring star of these bio-docs, Mr. Jason Voorhees.
Hello Mr. Voorhees! First and foremost, I want to tell you that it would be an honor and a pleasure to be one day murdered by you while being sexually promiscuous and/or using illegal drugs! Second and fivemost: What position did you play on your hockey team?
Congrats on overcoming Freddy Krueger in Freddy Vs. Jason (I knew you would)! Is he nice in real life? I bet he’s self-conscious about his scars. I have a scar on my knee from when I fell on some jagged rocks in the parking lot of a drag race. Have you ever been to a drag race? I bet you would like drag races.
I’ve noticed you have a tendency to kill naked women. While that obviously implies some strong psychological issues, I’m more concerned about your timing. See, I was going through puberty when I first watched your movies, and no sooner than a sexy 80’s lady got naked, you would dismember her. Buzzkill. Why not wait until she was putting clothes on and say “and who told you to put them jeans on?” in your best Drake voice? Probably because you’re not some pun-making ass-face like that fucking Freddy Krueger.
It would be really neat if in your next movie you team up with Danny Trejo, because you usually kill with a”¦ well, you see where this is going.
Okay, you usually hang out at summer camps. For Jason X they sent you to space. All I’m sayin’ is… why the fuck wasn’t that movie set at Space Camp?
I’m interested in an autograph, although I’ve never seen you write, and am not sure if you even can write. I hope you have legible handwriting. I’m not planning on selling it on eBay or anything (not that I don’t think it’s valuable!), I’m just a stickler for handwriting. Also, do you happen to know if your autograph would be valuable on a website such as eBay?
I didn’t know my mom well either. Although I didn’t die like you did (yet). Sorry for your her loss.
What do you eat? Seriously, where do you dine? You’re always so messy looking, so I assume you eat ribs, chicken wings, or some other sauce-based finger food.
Like you, I live in New Jersey! Maybe we would meet up some time. Perhaps you could come see me do some standup comedy. If there’s a heckler you could give him the ol’ Voorhees-vanish. I’ll comp your drinks. Also I wanna show you this cool app called Fruit Ninja. You’ll love it.
Follow Matt Pass on Twitter @mattpasscomedy. 1300 other people did.
Also on Regretful Morning: Jason Voorhees: A Life of Death