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An Open Letter To Jason Voorhees

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The Friday the 13th films are probably my favorite series of documentaries. With today being friday the 13th, I figured it would be an ideal time to submit an open letter to the alluring star of these bio-docs, Mr. Jason Voorhees.

Hello Mr. Voorhees! First and foremost, I want to tell you that it would be an honor and a pleasure to be one day murdered by you while being sexually promiscuous and/or using illegal drugs! Second and fivemost: What position did you play on your hockey team?

Was your lazy eye much of a handicap?

Was your lazy eye much of a handicap?

Congrats on overcoming Freddy Krueger in Freddy Vs. Jason (I knew you would)! Is he nice in real life? I bet he’s self-conscious about his scars. I have a scar on my knee from when I fell on some jagged rocks in the parking lot of a drag race. Have you ever been to a drag race? I bet you would like drag races.

Spoiler alert: Freddy dies in every fucking movie he's been in.

Spoiler alert: Freddy dies in every fucking movie he’s ever been in.

I’ve noticed you have a tendency to kill naked women. While that obviously implies some strong psychological issues, I’m more concerned about your timing. See, I was going through puberty when I first watched your movies, and no sooner than a sexy 80’s lady got naked, you would dismember her. Buzzkill. Why not wait until she was putting clothes on and say “and who told you to put them jeans on?” in your best Drake voice? Probably because you’re not some pun-making ass-face like that fucking Freddy Krueger.

Actually--why don't you just kill Drake?

Actually–why don’t you just kill Drake?

It would be really neat if in your next movie you team up with Danny Trejo, because you usually kill with a… well, you see where this is going.

"Ohhhh…" - stupid people.

Ohhhh…” – stupid people.

Okay, you usually hang out at summer camps. For Jason X they sent you to space. All I’m sayin’ is… why the fuck wasn’t that movie set at Space Camp?

Is it because Space Camp fucking sucks?

Is it because Space Camp fucking sucks?

I’m interested in an autograph, although I’ve never seen you write, and am not sure if you even can write. I hope you have legible handwriting. I’m not planning on selling it on eBay or anything (not that I don’t think it’s valuable!), I’m just a stickler for handwriting. Also, do you happen to know if your autograph would be valuable on a website such as eBay?

How much you think that arm warmer is worth though?

How much you think that arm warmer is worth though?

I didn’t know my mom well either. Although I didn’t die like you did (yet). Sorry for your her loss.

Although I'll admit that you were a cuter child than I.

Although I’ll admit that you were a cuter child than I.

What do you eat? Seriously, where do you dine? You’re always so messy looking, so I assume you eat ribs, chicken wings, or some other sauce-based finger food.

Is it these? I bet it's these.

Is it these? I bet it’s these.

Like you, I live in New Jersey! Maybe we would meet up some time. Perhaps you could come see me do some standup comedy. If there’s a heckler you could give him the ol’ Voorhees-vanish. I’ll comp your drinks. Also I wanna show you this cool app called Fruit Ninja. You’ll love it.

On second thought, you should probably stay away from video games for a while.

On second thought, you should probably stay away from video games for a while.

 

Follow Matt Pass on Twitter @mattpasscomedy. 1300 other people did.

Also on Regretful Morning: Jason Voorhees: A Life of Death

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