Redheads Are Monsters! (5 Things To Know)

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Shit hit the fan and she was standing right next to the fan.

Shit hit the fan and she was standing right next to the fan.

We live in a touchy world that at least tries to be politically correct.  We know that it’s in poor taste to mock or discriminate against somebody for their gender, color, sexual preference, religion, etc. The list goes on and on. One thing not on the list, however, is hair color.  If you see some asshole with bright green hair, you have every right to tell him that he is an asshole with bright green hair (though he likely already knows one or both of those things).

Which brings us to redheads, or, gingers. They’re monsters. Straight up evil monsters. And I’m not just saying that because one broke my heart (OKAY, Elaina!?).

They’re Witches, According To Ancient Text

witch

The Malleus Maleficarium is likely the most famous and influential book you’ve never heard of. It was published in 1486, and it was considered to be just as true as the bible.  So what does the name mean? “Witch Hammer.” It was a guidebook for identifying and burning politely dealing with witches (so actually a little truer than the Bible).

The main way to determine a witch was by her red hair as well as green eyes and often left-handedness–uncommon traits essentially. No word on if being gay or colorblind makes you a witch.

 

Pictured: Something we should definitely kill.

Pictured: Something we should definitely kill with fire.

Half Of All Female Criminals Have Red Hair

 

And dyeing it won't help, either.

And dyeing it won’t help either, Lindsay.

In their book Criminal Woman, the Prostitute, and the Normal Woman, Cesare Lombroso and Guglielmo Ferrero confirm that 48% of female criminals have red hair. Also that one guy’s name has to be pronounced as “googly Elmo,” but we’re here to make fun of hair color, not country of origin.

While this statistic refers specifically to women, we must keep in mind that red headed males often transform into a leprechaun to evade police, as seen in the 1993 documentary Leprechaun (the Jennifer Aniston’s acting debut).

 

Of course, we can't forget the Gingerdead Man.

They can also turn into cookies or whatever.

 

Their Weaknesses
skull

Despite clearly not being made for sunny weather, red heads more sensitive to cold than others. This is apparent from the bright red nose they sport in the winter time, making them look like… well, I can’t actually think of any famous characters that are red-nosed.

 

Petey the Pink-nosed Pig?

Petey the Pink-nosed Pig?

They also bruise easily, which is common knowledge to anyone who has ever had a redheaded step-son.
Additionally, they are especially prone to fear going to the dentist. Wait, what? C’mon. Dentists aren’t that bad–they do give you anesthesia after all. What are you red heads, immune to anesthetics?

 

This is his personal Hell. And he hasn't even learned what Hell is yet.

This is his personal Hell. And he hasn’t even learned what Hell is yet.

 

Their Immunities
syringe

Yup. They are less responsive to anesthesia. That kinda sounds like a disadvantage, but hey, at least they’re harder to roofie. They’re also resistant to stinging pains, so if you do manage to roofie them, that extra burning in the fire-crotch won’t be so bothersome! If they’re more of an enemy than a date-rape victim, don’t bother throwing bees at them. In fact, never throw bees at anyone, ever. Your hand will get so stung.

 

The bee who couldn't kill himself.

The bee who couldn’t kill himself.

 

You Can Turn Into One

 

"Hi! I'd like to talk to you about hair dye."

“Hi! I’d like to talk to you about hair dye.”

Red heads have some obvious similarities to zombies: they have pale grotesque skin and were popularized by George Romero in the 1960’s.
But did you know that many red heads were one normal people like you (presumably) and I?
Kwashiorkor is a type of malnutrition that occurs frequently in the tropics.  It is the result of getting too little protein and too many carbohydrates. The resulting ailment includes a reddening of the hair.
So, yeah. Pretty much totally zombies.

 

Couldn't find a pic of a zombie so here's a totally normal average red head.

Couldn’t find a pic of a zombie so here’s a totally normal average red head.

 

Matt Pass is a comedian who will be at the Love AC Festival in Atlantic City on November 22nd & 23rd, and on Twitter every other day.

REGRETFULMORNING Writer
REGRETFULMORNING Writer
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