Humans aren’t monogamous. After a young couple says “I do” there is a pretty good chance they’ll have someone else’s genitals in their face before they die. Millions of years of evolution telling us to procreate whenever possible has made us like this. Don’t feel too bad if you’re married and want to finger your flight attendant or want the pool boy (ladies) to bend you over while the husband’s at work. It’s simple biology.
A common thread on AskReddit is directed toward cheaters. Below is Old_Married_Guy‘s response to the question. Take notes kids, this guy is the Bruce Lee of cheaters.
“Why are you cheating?”
Have had a ton of affairs/FWB over the 14 years I’ve been with my wife. Greater than 10, less than 15. I don’t really keep track of the number. Why? I’ve asked myself this for years, and really don’t have one answer. I don’t get what I need sexually from my wife (mostly frequency), and we have gone to counseling numerous times. I’ve communicated my wants/needs and she doesn’t really give a flying fuck. She has her McMansion, three beautiful kids, an attractive husband who makes a comfortable living. Her friends love me, her family loves me. I’m am the prototypical All American Husband/Dad from the outside looking in.
Here’s a direct quote from one of our last counseling sessions, before I started cheating: “I don’t see why I have a responsibility to change my behavior. I have everything I want. Three beautiful kids, an attractive and loving husband, a great home and we’re financially secure. My family loves Old_Married_Guy, my friends love Old_Married_Guy. I love Old_Married_Guy. Sex is not a priority for me anymore.” She was all of 35 years old when she said this. She got exactly what she wanted.
How do you manage to not get caught?
It’s actually pretty simple.
- Do not modify your behavior. Total red flag to the SO. Act as you always have. If you’re an asshole, continue to act like an asshole. If your a nice person who shows affection, keep doing so.
- Get another mobile phone. Do not bring new mobile phone into your house. Ever. Keep in hidden in your car, office, wherever, as long as it never comes inside your home. You will fuck up and leave it lying around and your SO will find it. Guaranteed. Paperless billing.
- Setup a new checking account with a debit card. Paperless statement. Funnel money into it whenever possible. This will be your “sexy time” money. You’ll need this for dinner, drinks, hotel rooms. Hide the new debit card with your new mobile phone.
- Setup a new email address. Do not check this email from any computers/tablets/phones in your home. Ever. Check it from your new mobile phone only. Have all phone/bank account/naughty emails from your new punch come to that email address only.
- Setup “safe” windows of time to speak with your new friend. For me, it’s from 6 A.M. – 6 P.M. when I’m out of the house. Only give new friend your new mobile number. Do not give main mobile number, and for the love of FSM, never, ever, ever give your new friend your home phone number.
- Never, ever, ever give your new friend your real name. Ever. Ever. Ever. Even if it’s a long term thing vs. a one-nighter. See #1
- Confine your sexy fun time with your new friend to places at least 50 miles away from where you both live. I’ve come close to getting busted by not following this, but was able to get creative when seeing friends/friends of wife’s during dinner/lunch/coffee/breakfast.
- Get into a routine with your new friend. Set ground rules around access. Nothing screams “Hey, I’m going to fuck someone” like going grocery shopping at 11 P.M. Unless, of course, you routinely go grocery shopping at 11 P.M.
- Speaking of ground rules, lay them out before you do the horizontal cha-cha. Don’t lead people on. Tell them specifically what you’re looking for. This will blow up in your face.
- Get tested for STD’s regularly. Don’t fuck up anyone else’s health by being a fuckhead.
- Condoms. Condoms. Condoms.
- Start wearing perfume/cologne/aftershave if you don’t already. It hides the new friends natural scent and/or their perfume/cologne/aftershave. Don’t drown yourself in it, have some common sense.
- Do not compare your SO to your new friend. This will sink you. The grass isn’t always greener.
- Logistics? When both of us have free time. Always check into to nice hotels (Ritz Carlton, JW Marriot, Boutique hotels, etc.). Have never spent an entire weekend, but have done numerous overnighters.
- Do I live in fear of being caught? Yep. Always.
- Do I plan on telling my wife? Are you nuts?
Full thread here.