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Rectum? Damn Near Killed Em’

SRI LANKA-PRISONER-OFFBEAT

25-year-old Martin Seigel is making headlines today in New Jersey. The Lakewood man was pulled over when police saw him driving the wrong way on a road before striking a curb. Mr. Seigel was placed in an ambulance when people realized he couldn’t form sentences. On the way to the hospital Martin decided to get rid of his heroin stash using the only logical method available to him.

An x-ray technician later confirmed that Mr. Seigel had in fact stuffed his stash into his corn hole. Coming from someone who reads a lot about buttholes, I can tell you that this is not the safest thing to do. You see, unless that heroin is vacuum sealed, there is a good chance it could be absorbed by your rectum. And if you want to know how high you can get by putting stuff in your ass, just ask those high school kids who soak tampons in vodka before inserting them.

Imagine what that doctor was thinking when he got to work. Probably had some spring in his step, sipping on Starbucks, winking at nurses, and pointing at fellow coworkers with a finger gun when he got the call. “Doctor, we need you in room 203 so that you can pull a bag of heroin out of some guy’s ass who is currently rambling on about Lego aliens and the third Reich.”

Still a better love story than Twilight.