For dudes, pooping is like washing their car or downloading porn. It’s a natural part of life.  When something exceptional happens like a 2 foot turd that didn’t break, or a triple flusher at work, it gets talked about for bragging rights and lulz.  Girls are different.  They generally don’t like poop.  But despite what they tell you, girls do poop.  I’ve broken them down into categories so that you can understand what kind of pooper your girlfriend is.

The Excuse Maker

This young lady will bring a date screeching to a halt just so she can go home and take a shit without you ever knowing.  Ever been on a date where you think everything is going groovy and all of a sudden she says “my dog is about to die, I need to go home.”  Most of us usually think that she got a text from her abusive ex and she’s about to go get plowed out while you go home and download games on Steam.  Don’t jump to conclusions, she’s just pinching a loaf.  This young lady has insecurities that you’ll eventually help her get over.  Things like leaving her shirt on during sex because she doesn’t like how her belly looks are classic traits from the excuse making poop taker.  Just remember to be supportive.  Things like “babe I LOVE the way your tummy looks” works for the shirt thing, but you may want  to stay away from saying things like “fart in my fucking face Stacey, your stinky poop chute is a part of you, and I love you, so I love it.”  Just be very supportive and eventually she’ll become the Ninja or the Distraction Maker.

The Ninja Shitter

The Ninja Shitter has never been spotted taking a dump, ever.  This young lady is almost as self conscious as “The Excuse Maker” but she won’t drive all the way home.  When spiders start to bark, she’ll somehow unleash those critters without you ever knowing.  She can time her poop so that when you walk out to the mailbox on Saturday morning, she will have shat, showered, and started cooking breakfast before you get back inside.  Don’t ever try to hide anything from her.  She knows every girl you talk to on Facebook but pretends not to care because she doesn’t want to get called out for snooping.

The Boisterous Beast

The Beast doesn’t give a crab on a rat’s pubic hair if you hear her shit.  In fact, she may go out of her way to make sure you do.  This is because you are dating a girl who wears the pants.  You’ll know she wears the pants when you realize she basically calls all of the shots.  If you don’t realize this after the second month of dating when she makes you eat her out after you’ve been camping for two days with no showers, then the wake up call will hit you when she goes numero dos.  For her, the loud sound of evacuating waste coming out of her ass is a sign of dominance.  If your GF goes to the bathroom after you, just so that she can deliver more butt bass, think back to this article and ask yourself if you wear the pants.

The Public Plopper

Oh that shirt is cute, I'll meet you at the food court in 10 min

The Public Plopper waits until you guys are out in public so that there won’t be a trace of evidence.  What does this say about her?  She’s really good at banging other dudes behind your back.  She destroys evidence, it’s how she rolls.  Outside of that, this one isn’t bad to keep.  By pooping in public, she saves the TP at your place.  Saving TP = saving money, and saving money is good.  So if you don’t mind sharing her with her Yoga instructor twice a week, you’re good to go.

The Distraction Making Deuce Dropper

Be a doll and grab me some milk

This is probably the most normal pooper in our list.  She won’t hide that she has to poo, but she might send you on an errand right beforehand.  “Honey, I forgot milk, can you grab some really quick so I can finish baking?”  When you get back the bathroom fan will be on, belee dat.  She’s also very clever, and if she knows you aren’t leaving the house she may turn up the TV or radio and be like “I have to vacuum so I’m gonna turn up your game for a minute.”  This ensures the you will hear neither farts ripping nor turds splashing.   What kind of girl is this?  Actually pretty normal.  Kind of shy and doesn’t want you to hear or smell her.  This will eventually change, but for now enjoy your normal shit taking girlfriend.