It happens to the best of us. You ate tacos for lunch and before heading back to the office, you decide to unleash the Huxtables. Unfortunately, you’re trying to rush nature and before you know it, your middle finger slips into your cornhole while trying to power wipe.

Calm the fuck down.  We’ll get you through this.

Finish Your Business

Getting all flustered and scrambling to clean up before you finish dropping a deuce will only end in you shitting your pants.  Yea it’s nasty, but first things first.  Look away and breath through your mouth if you have to.

Start With Basic Clean Up

Use TP to get your finger as clean as you can get it.  There should be zero texture and a very subtle (if any) brown tint.  You won’t be able to get it all, but we’re mainly after visibility right now.

Take Advantage of Your Resources

A magazine, newspaper, or someone’s TPS report can come in really handy when it comes time to pull up your pants and open the stall door.  You see, even though you cleaned up, you haven’t washed yet.  So if that finger gets on your pants, you’re going to smell like…well shit of course, for the rest of the day.

Be Courteous

When you finally make it to the sink, don’t touch the soap dispenser with your poo hand.  If you do, you’ll turn your office into one giant extension of your digested Taco Bell.  Everyone who touches that dispenser will touch the door, then touch their keyboard’s, then touch their faces.  Basically, you and all of your co-workers will be shit heads.  Wow, that sounded a lot funnier in my head.

Conclusion

Stay calm, take advantage of your surroundings, and clean yourself up like a boss.  The VP of sales doesn’t need to know that a few minutes before you shook his hand, you were one knuckle deep in your own poop chute.