When the smoke finally settles, and it’s time to cash in the poker chips of life, we’ll be left with a certain set of memories. As a man, you’ll have a list. In a lot of cases, these 6 are likely to be near the top.
This one may be obvious, and implied, but for the sake of the integrity of the list, it has to be on here. It’s one of the greatest feelings a man can have, and it’s rather easy to come by, as long as you know where and how to look. Now, this isn’t the same feeling you get from jerkin your gerkin in the shower, no this is full blown, passionate sex that lasts longer than 5 minutes. When there are nails and nibbling involved, the kind that gets everyone involved soaked with sweat, looking like you just climbed out of the shower, you know you’ve had some great sex, and the feeling you get when you peak, combined with the minutes before and 5 minutes after (assuming you’re not trying to kick her out) amount to the easiest great feeling to attain.
The Six Pound Shit
This next feeling is debatable, depending who you talk to. Why is it debatable? It’s debatable because not everyone has taken a dump of this magnitude. Depending on your body and how it functions, you may not have any heads up on the approach of this accomplishment. It may be nothing more than a faint tickling in your tummy, or it may present itself as a stomach pain the likes of which make you feel like you’ve been shot in the stomach. Either way, when you get in the bathroom, a point is reached when, whether you’ve had it before or not, you realize what’s coming. Unsure why, you take your shirt off and pull your pants the rest of the way off to prepare for this thing, squeezing as hard as you can before BOOM! You feel like you’ve birthed a 6lb child with your anus, and the greatest feeling you’ve felt in that particular room comes rushing over you like high tide.
Your First Touchdown
I use touchdown because football is a popular sport. This applies to your first touchdown, goal, pin, record broken, basket, whatever. Here’s why. Unless Pele or Tom Brady is your father, chances are you’re going to have to work and practice to hone your skills. After days upon weeks upon months, you’ve been training day after day, running, practicing, getting in shape and practicing every which way you can, right down to throwing the ball through an old tire swing for accuracy. And then your chance comes. You’re running down the outside when you turn, look, make the catch and run it in. You’re on your back getting counted out when you get a sudden burst of energy as you realize the guy on top of you is off center, and you roll him and pin him. That there is the best feeling in sports: the reward, the glory, the pride in your very first win after all that hard work and practice pays off.
Your First Stand (Against Bully McPunchypants)
No, I never knew a guy name Bully McPunchypants but I feel putting the name Bobby Ayers out there would be uncouth. Oh well, when have I been known for my couthness? As you may have seen from this video in recent news, sometimes the bullies are tiny, smart-mouthed little shits that just inspire fear somehow, and you’re not sure why. Maybe it’s their zeal, their aggressiveness, or self-consciousness based on their unfounded insults. One day, however, it just gets to you. Something snaps in the back of your mind, and all of a sudden, before you know what you’re doing, you Stone Cold Stunnered the shit out of the little brat so hard he can’t think straight let alone stand up straight, and there’s no way in hell he’s ever coming back for more. And then, for an instant, before the cold wave of ‘Shit, now I’m in trouble’ you get this warming, burning greatness sweep your face and body that tells you, deep down, you achieved something great.
Scoring The Date Of Your Life
You’ve seen her from afar. She’s the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen. Maybe you talk to her sometimes, shoot the shit, or maybe when she walks over to the watercooler, you’re so intimidated you simply piss yourself and pass out. Eventually, somehow, you muster up the courage: you know you want this woman to be yours, and you’re going to do something about it. Maybe you stalk her on Facebook and learn what her hobbies, interests, and likes are. Maybe you garnered the same information by actually stalking her, going through her trash, etc. However you did it, you worked up the courage to talk to that bombshell and somehow the conversation drifts. Just before she turns to leave, it feels just right, and you shoot it out there: “Do you want to maybe grab dinner sometime?” She turns, smiles, and says yes. For the next week, you tell everyone you know, every ear that will listen, and high five yourself in the shower out of sheer pride and accomplishment.
The Birth Of Your First Born
Yes, I had to finish the article out with a touchy-feely feeling of great happiness. But hey, when it happens to you, you’ll understand why. Regardless how it happened, your girl is pregnant. You take care of her for months, and break 19 laws driving her to the hospital twice (because the first contractions apparently didn’t count). There by her side in the hospital, you’re holding her hand, or should I say she is holding yours – like the jaws of life. She’s pushing, she’s screaming, you’re on the verge of crying because you’ve lost feeling in your hand. Then as she’s cresting, the doctor grabs inside her with what amounts to a pair of baby-head-pliers and pulls. Then you hear it. The first cry. You snip the umbilical cord and hold your brand new baby in your arms as he or she quiets down to your warmth. Right then and there, an uncontrollable feeling of warmth washes over you, and tears come to your eyes, while you smile the biggest smile you can’t stop smiling. You’ve just experienced the absolute best feeling any man can ever feel.