Before we get started: 20% of people reading this article will be women, 5% of those will be offended and end up emailing me a bunch of shit like “you’re going to die alone”, and “u can’t get a gf” etc etc. If you are one of those, you can send hate mail here.  I promise I will read it.

Valentine’s Day is like every other date night, only with a marketing team on crack.  You see, every guy out there already pays for sex, only on V-Day, he’s obligated to.  Single dudes, before you start reading “forever alone” comics because your roommate is out getting a 300 dollar blowjob, while you’re at home playing COD: Black Ops, make a quick mental note of these:

Dive Bar

Head to your local dive around 11pm.  I say 11pm because before then, there is a good chance that the only girl left at the bar will get a text from her abusive ex telling her to come over, at which point she will bounce.  If you’ve bought her any drinks, it will have been a wasted investment.  By 11pm, the only girl(s) left at the bar are ones that won’t be getting picked up.  It’s almost like an injured gazelle at a watering hole.  You are a hungry lion, do your thing.  Also, you may have to try more than one bar, because there will be other dudes using this tactic.

Facebook

Open up your FB and check the “chat” window.  Now, message every single female that is currently online.  If she had a date, she’d be on it right now, not browsing Facebook.  Try to be funny about drinking alone on V-day etc.  Don’t waste too much time chatting, just invite them out one at a time.  If you end up picking them up, get one of those 2 dollar Hallmark teddy bears at a gas station.  “Hey, I know this isn’t a date but you deserve something on Valentine’s Day.”  That line right there will lock it down.

Plenty Of Fish

Beggers can't be choosers

This site is a gold mine.  Much like Facebook, start messaging every single girl within 5 miles of your zip code.  Try to find ones that have the green “online now” or “chat” icons by their names.  Now ctrl+tab click on about 50 profiles, and copy + paste the same message to all of them.  Be witty, and know you’re going to be shot down a lot, but it’s a game of numbers.  Message 50, and 5 will be interested, from those 5 choose the one who looks the sluttiest.

Your Ex

We can go out but you aren't getting any lol, btw you like my new pic?

Unless she’s started seeing someone new, she’ll be remembering how you really weren’t all that bad.  Drop her a text asking her if she remembers <insert romantic evening you shared, add a small joke>.  This is an easy deal to close, so try to end up at her place.  When you’re ready to bounce you can just leave, it will be a lot harder getting rid of her if you end up at your “stabbin’ cabin.”

Crazy Cat Lady

There are a lot of “crazy cat ladies” out there who are way too young to be cat ladies.  You know the type: mid 30′s, cute face, and would probably be hot if she dropped 30 lbs, didn’t wear sweats, and stopped talking to animals all day long.  This is sort of a hail Mary, but it can work.  “Ohh hey _____ you doing anything tonight?  I’ve got Dexter on Netflix if you want to chill?”  Then bust out the wine and be like “Hey I found a bottle left over from <last week’s party> care for a glass?  It is Valentine’s Day and all.”  Since cat lady isn’t a huge party animal, it should only take a few glasses to get that beaver hungry for wood.

Conclusion: This holiday is a joke, but you can use it to your advantage.  If you find yourself in a situation where you ended up buying a bunch of drinks for a girl and she decides not to put out, then I’m sorry, it happened to me the other night and I barely salvaged a handjob.  Don’t get too crazy when it comes to buying accessories or booze. The point here is to try to get ass while spending as little money as possible.  Good luck young Padawans, make me proud.