magnifier menu chevron-left chevron-right chevron-up comment chevron-up chat_bubble_outline2 share thumbs-up thumbs-down chevron-down

How to pickup bitches on OKcupid.com

||

Today’s advice comes from the master troll known as TheUltimateDouche on reddit. TUD enjoys making comments in all caps, and he usually creates awesome sentences using words like SWEET, TITTIES, and BRO.  Last month he graced us with a step by step guide on how to close a deal via OKcupid.com.  Get a pen, you’re gonna want to take notes.

LOOKIN FOR SOMETHIN REAL:

Me: yo girl when we gonna make out?

Her: Ha! Please tell me your profile is a joke! There is no way it can be for “realz”!

Me: nah baby girl dont pinch yourself im fo real. you like bein on top or bottom?

Her: Oh I always come out on top! So tell me, do a lot of girls fall for your gangster facade?!

Me: i dont even know what those words mean. you dont gotta impress me with big words. that sweet ass is impressive enough. sure i’ll go out on a date with you. thought you’d never ask

Her: Ha! I can’t place my finger on it, but you are intriguing. I would never ask you out on a date…but sure why not. Let me know what you think.

Me: i think you should let ME place MY finger on it, girl. ya know, yo vadge. or that little thing at the top of yo vadgenal area. its kinda like a mini weiner. you know what im talkin bout right? i think most girls have it. dont be ashamed if you dont, we can still fuck. anyway whats yo number?

Her: Ha, wow… How about you tell me about yourself first? You can be normal now, you already have my attention…and no, “rubbing up on hot bitches while in da club” doesn’t count ;)!

Me: well the most important thing you need to know about me is my cock is huge. other than that imma normal guy. i live in a pimp ass apartment with a roommate that has a smaller cock than me. im not originally from here. i come from my penis. get it? but seriously … i do. i got on this datin site to meet fine ass girls like yoself to have a serious fulfilling committed relationship with as many bitches as possible. so now that you know erythin, gimme yo number

Her: Ha. You are so smooth, aren’t you?! How about you give me a little bit more information before I give out my number to a complete stranger. While a big cock is nice…I like boys with a future. What do you do? What brought you to STL? School? Graduated? Dreams? Goals? Hobbies? Are you wasting my time? Do you do this with all the girls?

Me: yeah girl i been told im pretty smooth … long … hard … thick … powerful. what more do you need to know? my big cock IS the future. i cant answer all those questions without knowin you serious about this first, baby girl. my heart be broken too many times. so just send me some tit pics and i’ll know your serious and can answer anythin you wanna know

Her: Well as tempting as it sounds, I think I’m going to have to pass on sending “tit pics” of myself in hopes of getting to know you better. I also think that it is time for me to move on from hearing about how large your penis is. But please prove me wrong, surprise me with an intelligent non-offensive message and I might message you back. You were entertaining and fun at the beginning, but now this is just becoming ridiculous. You already have my attention, no need to continue making yourself look like an ass.

Me: my bad. i cant lose out on this opportunity meetin with such a fine lady as yoself, so here it goes. i went to college for a couple weeks but it wasnt for me. i want to open my own restaraunt some day so i can make some good money. you know the old sayin: a man with money is a keeper especially when he’s got a huge fuckin cock. so when ya gonna let me use it to stab that cervix girl?

Her: You know what baby? I like it when you talk dirty to me. Tell me what else your going to do with that big cock of yours. I like to ride all night long, can you thrust me till I scream? Are you up for the challenge? I also love having my hair pulled while you whisper in my ear big daddy.

Me: whoa whoa whoa whoever said we was gonna fuck? im here for somethin real and you still aint send them tit pics to show you even interestin in me. no no no no dont funk wit my heart

If you want to read more about TheUltimateDouche, he’s got his very own subreddit “Date Rape.”

REGRETFULMORNING Writer
  • More From Us