I know it’s the holiday season and I should be smiling from ear to ear and farting out Christmas carols, but as the house starts filling up with family members, I find myself having to make a lot more trips to the store. I never thought I’d find enough people to rage over at the grocery store, but this week has proven to me that I can.
Loud Ass Shitty Kids
If you are a parent with loud kids, I want to hear from you. Why do you let them scream like that? Is it because you’re afraid that CPS will take them away if you swat them on the ass? I was a bad kid, but I also knew that if I didn’t shut the fuck up, I would get owned hard. No one will get mad if you put your loud kid in check.
Blackberry Texter Who Runs Into Stuff
This guy just downloaded an app and has decided that he’s going to play with it, and roll his cart down the frozen food aisle at the same time. “Was that your foot? My bad. This new app makes fart noises.”
People Who Just Stare At Shit
It shouldn’t take five minutes of staring and being in my way to realize what flavor of hamburger helper you want. Even if you read every single flavor label twice, it should only take you two and a half minutes. If you’re going to zone out, do it in the parking lot, you’re taking up space, wasting my time and pissing me off.
Person Who Has No Idea How To Use Self Check
Don’t know how to use a self check? That’s cool, but don’t bring your full cart through when you have no idea wtf you’re doing. You’re now going to make the front end lady completely stop helping others, who just had one or two items, to help you get your giant cart of shit out of the way. Stop doing this.
Mom Who Is Trying To Teach Her Kid How To Use Self Check
Yes, I know your kid is going to be the next Good Will Hunting, and you think we find it cute that you’re teaching your little snowflake how to use the scanning thingy. News flash: We want to go home and we don’t give a shit about your kid. Get him the Fisher Price store simulator for Christmas or something, but please just ring your shit up and go.
Person Who Rolls A Full Cart Into The ’10 Item’ Line
This person is either ridiculously stupid or extremely rude. Everyone knows that either the first or last lane is usually reserved for 10 items or less. The little sign even says “10 items or less.” Yet for some reason, I always see a turd of a person, pushing their full cart through this line. If you do this, fuck you.
Loud Cell Phone Talker
Cool story, bro. But honestly, I can hear how awesome you are from three aisles over. That can only mean one thing…you want me to. Which in turn can only mean, you aren’t awesome at all. I am 100% right on this. People who are loud want you to hear them talking to friends. They want you to hear how badass their weekend was. This is because they have low self-esteem. Next time you witness this, hug them, they need it.
Salvation Army Bell Ringer
I feel bad for posting this but it’s kind of true. The bell ringers aren’t hardcore Nazis like the girl scouts but like them, they are also secretly judging you. Here’s why: They have 3-5 people ringing that bell from Thanksgiving until Christmas. If you drop a dollar in when one person is working, the other 4 bell ringers you constantly pass will think you’re a cheap skate because they never saw you put your dollar in. Also, not to be a dick to the Salvation Army, but are they even making money? If you’ve got two people ringing bells for 8 hours a day, making making minimum wage, you’d have to spend a lot of money. Min wage = $8. $8 x 8 hours = $64 x 2 people ringing bells = $128. Are they really making much more than $128 per day? And if the bell ringers are volunteers, is it really worth having them stand outside in the freezing cold begging for spare change?
Conclusion: All of this stuff pisses me off, but now I’m starting to feel like a big grinch asshole. In fact, I almost deleted this whole thing, but the pictures are kinda cool, so fuck it.