In just a few more days a lot of us are going to be stuffing our faces beyond belief over Christmas dinner. If it were just measured on food alone, Christmas dinner would be a massive win. In fact, the only dinner that can trump Christmas, is Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, Christmas dinner comes with an assload of terrible conversation topics that no one cares about.
- Your grades
- Dad’s irritable bowel syndrome
- Mom’s new scrap booking projects
- Sister’s new hipster boyfriend
- Pictures of someone’s baby
Here are a few ideas we’ve come up with to make this years Christmas dinner a lot more exciting.
You Started Selling Coke To Pay For Rent
Having a drug dealer as a child is brutal for parents. They do the whole “I blame myself for this” thing. Before they get that far, start talking about sweet shootouts, and the best uncut Colombian coke you can get on this side of Mexico.
When to admit you’re trolling: Sometime after your parents tell you to move back home and/or disown you as a child.
Got Dared to Blow A Homeless Guy and Have Now Developed Feelings For Men
If your parents are the type of people who share bowls with you from time to time because “it’s natural” then this won’t work. Liberal parents would be more pissed off if you told them you burnt a bunch of used tires or something. However, If your dad has more conservative views, this can get interesting.
When to admit you’re trolling: As soon as dad starts yelling or throwing shit
Photoshop Sister’s Head Onto A Porn Site, Print Out Screenshot
Have a 4.0 GPA sister who always puts you to shame during Christmas dinner? Payback time. Simply screenshot a few bangbus thumbnails and paste one of her pictures into the head area. Print it out, and bring it up right when she hits you with “so how are you earning money now?” It should go something like this “Let’s get to that in a minute Lisa, can you please tell us why you are working in such filth?”
When to admit you’re trolling: Throw in the “just kidding” card when the dishes are done and you’re ready to bounce.
Owe Some Dangerous People A lot of Money After Going To Vegas
Watch Good Fellas and Casino before you head home this year. Then spin everyone a story that will blow their minds all over their faces. Dad had a prostate exam? Big deal, you watched someone’s ear get cut off as intimidation.
When to admit you’re trolling: As soon as mom starts to cry.
Bring An Actual Hooker To Christmas Dinner, Pretend She’s Your GF
This is good for people who are always getting shit on for not bringing home a girl to meet the fam. Ladies, you can play to, just substitute the prostitute with a fat smelly biker. If you can find a hooker to act like this, then double points for you. I’ll go ahead and wager that last slice of pumpkin pie that you won’t get asked to bring a girl home again.
When to admit you’re trolling: Never